A Quickie Guide to Knowing You’re a Gamer

If the controller in your hand and the stale taste of “STFU” on your tongue isn’t evidence enough, I’ve compiled a list of ten things that can follow the phrase, “You know you’re a gamer when…” Of course, you don’t have to do these things to be a hardcore gamer, but most likely you are one if you’ve done just two things on the list.

You know you’re a gamer when…

-You’ve used game terms in real life, on accident, like “it only cost me 15 gold,” “put me on follow,” or the ever-so-popular, “lawl.” Bonus points for doing it on purpose. But negative points toward how much we want to hang out with you.

-You’ve gotten a haircut because a video game character had it. Bonus points if the hairdresser laughed during the entire cut and used your tears as a rinse.

-You have video game music on your iPod or a video game ringtone on your phone. Bonus points if it’s a recording of yourself adding words to classic game songs.

-You’ve named your pet or child after a video game character. Bonus points if you raised them in the shoes of said character (”Little Sephiroth, you will grow up to be the ultimate SOLDIER. Better start practicing with this over-sized sword.”).

-You’ve fallen asleep (while sober) during a late night gaming session with your chin to your chest or your head in various other uncomfortable places. Bonus points if you kept playing while asleep, even if your character ended up glitched out inside a wall (sleep gaming—a dangerous pastime).

-You’ve had the thought, “A girlfriend just makes it so I have less time to game.” Bonus points if this was your stated excuse for breaking up with your girlfriend. (”You’ve been coming between me and Master Chief. I can’t keep up this charade.”)

-You use class time to think about strategies for a video game. Bonus points for only asking questions related to this strategizing. (”Professor, do you think if Robert E. Lee had used archers instead of melee fighters, Antietam might have ended differently?”)

-You have a nickname for your mouse, computer, or laptop. Bonus points if it involves any form of l33t speak or spelling.

-You have a dream involving a game. Bonus points if it’s a game which ends up being its own dream sequence. Negative points for the dream-game itself, though.

-You own some sort of clothing related to gaming, making it more likely for girls or boys to like you. Bonus points if you recognize the sarcasm in that statement, yet still thump your 1Up-shirted chest with pride.

Don’t worry, it’s normal for gamers to see a few things on the list they’ve done. It’s when you’re doing more than two every day that you’ll really start to demonstrate a loss of connection with the real world. A noble goal to work toward. Share your own entries for the checklist; educate the masses.