Worth a Punch in the Head: Video Games

In the world of television and reality TV, it’s not uncommon to see the lengths that people will go through to be famous and get “easy” money. Of course, “easy” money is easy in the fact that these attention-starved idiots are willing to do almost anything. With YouTube, forums, and email anyone can become famous or known as a gigantic dumbass. I don’t need to be on TV and perform like a trained animal to gain anything; I’ll take a punch in the head.

What would it take to punch me? Simply, a top of the line computer and console gaming setup. Mind you, the list is for the important components and not the little additions like motherboards, RAM, or cables for my consoles. I’m talking about the big pieces.

Fresh, Clean, Unbroken

Computer

1. AMD Quad Core Processor – I’ve been a supporter of the AMD processor since the Athlon XP, which I used to build my first computer. The Athlon XP lasted me six years of heavy video viewing and streaming video use along with a little gaming when my system wouldn’t freeze. Even with all the talk of the Intel Core 2 Duo, I couldn’t be more indifferent.

   For this component, I would allow a punch in the side of my head, in the temple.

2. ATI Radeon HD 4870 X2 2 GB – Along with AMD, ATI has been my card of choice. I had issues in the past with ATI-based graphics cards, but I still have a loyalty to the company. My last PC game was Call of Duty 2, showing how little I could keep up with the notorious release speed of cards. Honestly, I don’t even know what this beast is capable of, but it sounds fast and powerful.

   Getting this card would net you a sock in my other temple, most likely knocking me out.

3. Ten Terabyte Hard Drives – Realistically, who needs this much space, but for a punch I’m getting the most bang for brain damage. Having ten drives would likely melt any case they were put into, even if there was enough space. But that’s where external enclosures come in. Finding enough porn to fill a terabyte would be my new mission in life.

   To be fair, a punch to the base of my skull where it meets my spine, swing away.



4. All the rest – Motherboards, RAM, water-cooling kit, DVD-Burner DL, Blu-ray burner, sound card, and other miscellaneous supplies included. These parts are all important to the creation of a kickass system, but for many of these parts aren’t as important as the ones listed above other than the motherboard, but there’s no way I’m going to list a motherboard. OEM is fine with me.

   A knock to the ear is what it would cost. I’ve heard that getting a punch in the ear is painful and considered a cheap shot. Not knowing other than being smacked in the head with a titanium lacrosse stick during high school, I’m sure it feels not so good.

Consoles

5. PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, Wii, PlayStation 2, PSP-3000, Nintendo DS Lite Black, and Nintendo DSi – Some of these I already own, but it never hurts to have a spare. The Wii would probably stay in the box because I couldn’t really give a crap about it. The PSP-3000 would upgrade from my PSP-1000 and the PlayStation 2 would be another backup for my first generation PS2.
   For all this? A straight fist into my eye, either one, your choice.


Safety First

6. Samsung 40” Plasma HDTV – There are better televisions out there, I’m sure. But before I purchased my PS3, I spent about four months researching which TV I wanted to buy and there was nothing better to me than a Samsung. Finally a chance to experience this so called high definition gaming I also have to consider space issues, since I live in a studio, that 70” won’t fit in here yet. Well it could, but I’d be sleeping on the floor basking in the cold glow of false reality.

   A 40” nets you another punch to my eyes.

7. Professional Surround Sound Home Theatre Setup – I have one of those All-in-One 5.1 surround home theatre DVD players and it’s worked well for the past few years, but the time to upgrade is upon me. Wireless rear speakers are a definite necessity as well as professional setup for optimal sound quality. I could probably calibrate the system myself, but I’m lazy.

   I don’t know much about who’s the best in the business, but I’m sure whoever spent the money to clock me in the cheek would know.

8. Accessories – The maximum number of controllers for each system, all the extraneous cords, joysticks, and most importantly a ten-port switcher with HDMI input. I use a switcher now and it saves a lot of hassle. Granted most HDTVs now come with an increased amount of inputs, but I’d rather keep the TV on the same channel and just tap one button than switch through all the input channels.

   For all these small pieces, my other cheek is yours to target.

9. Entire Game Libraries – I’m talking about every game ever made for every system, even the craptastic ones. It’s not because I’m going to play them, it’s because I just want them. Obviously, for every triple-A title, there are about fifty quick released pieces of shit. Who cares about quality compared to quantity?

   Not me, nor do my teeth.

Miscellaneous

10. New Apartment – now I’m not suggesting that someone would pay for me to live here free; more along the lines of that first and last month’s rent and the deposit for a place that I could afford and have enough room to store all this new electronic gold. If you live in any big metropolitan area or wherever the standard of living is astronomical, you would know that the rent is usually manageable with precise budgeting.

    To start living in a new place really empties the wallet. For that generous yet malicious person, you could give me a solid square into my sinus area. A note of warning, I have four steel plates along my bridge, so gloves might be a good precaution.

This list clarifies what each individual piece would cost, much like an itemized list of groceries. If one person is willing to purchase everything on the list, hire a moving company to drop this off at my new clean apartment, and pay crews to put the surround sound system together, you are both an amazing human being and one of the most sadistic ever. In any case, that all-in-one purchase also buys you the gold, a solid uppercut.

My time in the hospital post all these bludgeons into my head, healing brain and skull trauma would give me time to wait for the setup of my new toys. Once I left the hospital and spent the next six months relearning names of people and walking, at least I would have a lot to play with. Dexterity and hand to eye coordination therapy could be in the form of playing my new systems.

Of course, I’m not so deranged in the head I’d actually do this now. Maybe one day next week.