What If Kirby Was Rated “M” For “Mature?”

Forget sex—in the world of video games, dark and gritty sells. (Granted, sex doesn’t hurt.) Being the amoral opportunist I am, I wanted in on this trend. But, it’s just too much work to come up with an original grim and dismal franchise that’s chock full of gut-wrenching violence, vulgar epitaphs, and needless titillation. Instead, I figured I’d make like an ad exec and do a “creative re-imagining” of a well-known character or, as decent folk refer to it, a “complete bastardization of a beloved childhood icon.”

Much to my dismay, some sneaky jerkwads already beat me to the punch with Bomberman and Looney Tunes. Fortunately for me, everybody’s favorite pink, anthropomorphic puffball remained unsoiled.

So without further ado, I present my bold vision for the Kirby franchise. Ladies and gentlemen of the board, I give you:

A gluttonous despot sits on a throne not rightfully his…

Waddle Dees starve in the streets, all their crops seized by the king as tribute…

Apples — the only remaining food source — have been converted into weapons by a desperate populace that has never known peace, only sacrifice…

Welcome to Dream Land.

The irony of such a name is not lost on its citizens, for they have neither dreamed nor hoped in eons. Yet, there are those who dare to defy the king’s oppressive regime. In a secret underwater facility off the coast of the Ice Cream Islands, there is talk of open revolt. A group of scientists have created a distress signal capable of beaming a message into outer space.

Last week, they sent out a single transmission: “Help Us.” They cared not who answered, so long as someone did. Two days ago, a star-shaped asteroid fell from space, crashing into the ocean. A team was sent out to investigate. Only one member returned…

And when he did, he was not himself.

The asteroid wasn’t an asteroid at all, but a vessel. Aboard the celestial craft was a small, pink creature that fed on the genetic material of living things. After consuming DNA, the creature could morph its malleable frame into a perfect copy of its victims. By the time the scientists in the facility realized the sole survivor of the investigation team was actually an extraterrestrial abomination, it was too late…

The creature fed. And fed. And fed.

But the four dozen or so men and women of science did not sate the creature. Rather, its hunger grew. The scientists had hoped the beacon would summon a savior, someone who would aide in their fight against the corrupt King Dedede.

Instead, those researchers had ushered in Armageddon.

The monster emerged from the Orange Ocean and set upon Green Greens with unfathomable ferocity. It moved from one region to another with the detached nature of a businessman working his way through the lunch menu at his favorite diner.

Knights, magicians, and even martial arts masters all tried to stand up to the creature, but the beast consumed them effortlessly and turned their weapons upon other Dream Land residents. One survivor reported the monster using a cooking pot to roast the kitchenware’s former owner and his entire family alive. Another tale told of the beast transforming into a whirling tire and gleefully running down those trying to escape.

At first, the creature was simply referred to as “the beast,” or “the monster.” But those names could not properly convey the horrors this vile devil committed. Entire villages – men, women, and children – were eaten alive in a series of revolting buffets, where the screams of terror and the breaking of bones echoed from the Grape Garden to the Fountain of Dreams.

In the end, there was only one thing they could think to call the monstrosity. Only one name truly embraced the scope of the bloodshed.

The Waddledese word for demon.

Kirby.

All of Dream Land has banded together to stop this menace. Fighting with anything available, from cutter blades to simple parasols, the citizens struggle as one.

Bands of mercenaries roam the land, protecting Dream Land denizens… for a price. Kracko, Mr. Shine and Mr. Bright — even the Meta-Knight himself is rumored to be wandering in the shadows, offering his blade to those whose pockets run deep enough. Without anyone else to turn to, many individuals have accepted the martial rule of these hired guns, revering them as leaders, chieftains, and bosses.

But deep down, Dream Land and her people know they cannot win. Each day, they pay a dear price for the folly of resisting. And with each sunset and sunrise, tensions escalate as friends and family members turn on each other, convinced their loved ones are Kirby in disguise.

Whispy Woods — the benevolent forest spirit who rallied Green Greens against the beast — was found dead this morning, his trunk cracked wide open, sap pooling on the clearing floor. Eye-witnesses claim Kirby swallowed half a dozen apples, only to spit them out in rapid succession, bludgeoning Woods to death.

And throughout all this carnage, King Dedede sits atop his ill-gotten throne, watching his kingdom burn…

———————————————–

And that’s my pitch for an “M-Rated” Kirby game. Game developers, please form an orderly line around the outside of my house. Don’t bother making out checks. Just dump all you cash and spare change on my bedroom floor.

Whoever makes the biggest pile can buy the rights…