What if Doom was rated “E” for “Everyone?”

Kids want to play the games their older counterparts play. They seek to emulate us, because they want to be us, little realizing that some day, when the weight of the working world is on our shoulders, we wish we had schedules more like theirs. Enter the “E for Everyone” rating, that hallowed ground where a sharp developer can make an addicting game and a pile of money without parents crying foul or censorship monkeys on the hunt. I’ve elected to redesign id Software’s classic Mature-rated game Doom into an E for Everyone version for the younger generation, combining elements of the classic Doom mythos with a title character that’s sure to charm younger gamers.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the readership, I give you…

Now with more bunnies!

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The Story so Far

You’re a bunny rabbit, one of Earth’s cutest, swiftest, and smartest. Three years ago you were just chilling with your three-hundred siblings, exploring the labyrinths of your burrow home and trying to land a steady girl bunny. Everything was fine and dandy until some guy with a funny haircut captured you and started calling you Daisy. Shortly thereafter he got into an argument with his commanding officer. The next thing you knew, the funny-haired guy took you on a trip and you became the first bunny rabbit to ever leave Earth’s atmosphere. Your destination? Mars.

This early mock-up image displays the HUD as well as the Rainbowgun in action. Tickle them before they tickle you, Doom Rabbit!

You and your human friend were tight… Until three days ago. Three days ago, the radio crackled to life, and things didn’t seem so nice anymore. Your master became more worried. His friends had left, telling him something about a perimeter. He sat hunched over the radio for hours… until all was silent.

Strange growling noises pierce the Martian air, but you’ve dodged wolves, owls, eagles, bears, hunters, foxes, weasels, and lions in your youth in the forest. You’re ”Daisy” Doom! Cutest, swiftest, and smartest rabbit alive on Mars or Earth. Your master’s out there somewhere. You’ve got your trusty rainbowgun. What could possibly go wrong?
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Gameplay

Doom: Aftermath combines classic Doom elements of surprise, flickering lighting and mazes with E for Everyone elements like no real death, no blood, and ludicrous means of defeating one’s enemies. Your weapons are as varied as they are cute. What minion of hell couldn’t pause and go “awwwwwwww” when you melt the hearts of the damned by turning them into friendlier things in an explosion of rainbows and stars?

The dreaded love gun turns minions of hell into friendly ballerinas and kittens, preventing them from tickling you.

Berserk Packs would give you that extra bunny burst for getting away while renewing your tickle meter, which keeps you from being caught as your enemies attempt to catch you and tickle you into submission. We can safely assume that the “Doom guy” you’re chasing cleaned up all the Satanic imagery and blood, bowels, and remains of his fallen friends ahead of you. This cute design idea effectively removes the features that might constitute an “M” rating.

Losing the game means being caught and tickled into submission by the hordes of slavering demons, but if a youth filled with Disney movies taught me anything, it’s that we can just sweep that little issue under the rug by employing the classic cutaway tactic. When your health is tickled down to 0, the screen gracefully fades to black, and when the screen fades back in the demons are all gone and your Marine buddy is standing on-screen telling you to be more careful and to restart the level. Hey, it worked in Bambi!

Doom: Aftermath kills hugs two birds with one stone embrace. Younger gamers can go to their schools and gleefully tell their friends and teachers that they’ve been playing Doom to stay in with the cool crowd playing Doom 4. The adventure of “Daisy” Doom Rabbit can overcome expectations, resulting in a good-for-all-ages character that will surely fit right in with the enduring legacy of the original “Doom Guy”, Duke Nukem and the Master Chief.

I think it’ll be a real gold mine in spite of the fact that the Doom charm revolves around hellish imagery, run and gun action, and violence, which is why I went to the time and trouble of composing cutting-edge screenshots in hopes that the talented people at id Software will expand upon them for Doom 4.

I just wonder how they will make it end…