Warning! Drinking May Cause Death

Stop! Before you right click on that potion, think about what you’re doing. You’ve been abusing these drinks without even thinking about the consequences it may have on your virtual character.

Not only have you left your “e-Self” open to addiction problems, but also some potential and severe side affects of long term potion could follow!

It’s a fact that Blizzard has had to combat the dangers of potion drinking by implementing cooldowns and restricting them to once-a-time use in combat.

Oh sure, you claim you only use them in the clutch, when your mana or health really is low. Really? C’mon, we’re not that dumb. Why not just ask for an innervate instead? It’s natural and organic, so that must mean it’s healthier.

Anyways, how can you be so negligent? Tisk tisk. Since, there seem to be no laws or organizations like the FDA to keep these virtual manufacturers and businesses in check, maybe you can’t take full responsibility.

Still, you must be vigilant because your cyber-selves deserve to be treated like humans, too. Their health is of the utmost importance to you and whatever loved ones they may have.

Because there are no actual Surgeon General’s warnings on these products (or any warnings for that matter), here’s what you must look out for when consuming these popular in-game drinks.

Mana Potions

What’s the difference between morphine and a mana potion? Morphine used to be a huge social and cultural problem in China a century ago; mana potions are currently a problem facing millions of Chinese sitting at their computers.

It’s not just the Chinese though, we’ve all used one in our gaming careers and now we must feel guilty about it.

Possible side effects include: damaged kidneys, irritable bowels, stuffed sinuses, and a blue tint to all your bodily secretions.

That blue pee isn’t because of all that Blueberry Kool-Aid or Mountain Blast Powerade you’ve been drinking. No, that’s the mana potions rearing their ugly heads.

Health Potions

Baseball has been having its share of problems with steroids, HGH, and other testosterone boosting products. Players have also been creating interesting excuses.

In Manny Ramirez’s case, he claims hCG helped with erectile dysfunction. He should have consulted Rafael Palmeiro for that problem. Nonetheless, health potions have the same effects to the human body as steroids (roid rage included).

Possible side effects include: shriveled huevos, Stewie-like disproportions, growing of hair in unsightly places for females, conversely the development of breast tissues in males, horrible acne (if you already don’t have that issue), sterility (if you play WoW, this may not be an issue), and aforementioned roid rage.

Elixirs

Elixirs are most often used to enhance a player’s statistics or some sort of attributes. As a result, they too have traits similar to steroids. Unlike potions, however, elixirs tend to stay on a character for an extended period of time.

That is, the lingering effects of elixirs generally last on a character for around an hour…or until death, whichever comes first.

Flasks

Imagine if you mated marijuana with some cocaine and some heroine with chocolate brownies. Now if the offspring of these two couples managed to meet and
have their own kids, they would create a flask. Flasks contain all the attributes of potions and elixirs combined into one mega concoction of power and death.

In fact, the mixture is so potent it even lasts through death.

Possible side effects include: insanity, death, violent oral and anal discharge, heart attack, stroke, blindness, gangrene, a feeling of invincibility (180 extra attack power really inflates an ego), thoughts of suicide (especially after cycling through an entire stack of flasks in one raid), and 4 hour erections (I guess it’s 2 hours post-3.1 if you’re an alchemist).

Conjured Food and Water

Do you really trust that dirty mage to hand you your food? What about food and water that comes out of a blue portal only at the cost of some mana? There is no such thing as a free lunch and that bread and water has a source, and that source is dirty…dirty like poop.

Possible side effects include: Cholera-like symptoms, a sudden and insatiable urge to continuously ask mages for food tables, heavy vomiting, pink eye, smelly farts, and on rare occasions mage food has been known to turn perfectly normal human beings into Hello Kitty cosplay enthusiasts.

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Finished! And no swine flu joke to show for it.

Remember potions are not for everyone. Each individual potion contains its own unique traits and possible side effects. If at anytime you feel sick after severe potion ingestion, it is recommended to seek immediate help and advice.

For legal reasons, do not contact 911 or any emergency line. Instead, send all gold to Shockvvave on Eonar and he will gladly give out advice, as long as the fee is paid.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle! G.I Joo…ehem, excuse me that’s the real life booze talking.