Video Game Government

With President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, and the Cabinet now sworn in, I couldn’t help wondering if things could be done better. How would the video game personalities we’ve come to know and love form a government? What positions would they occupy? After much deliberation, I came up with my ideal Video Game Government including the President, the Vice President, and all fifteen Cabinet positions filled. I strove for representation among all brands and consoles while cutting to the heart of the matter: the best people for the job. Want to see if you agree? Read on.

• President – Mario: Here’s a guy Joe the Plumber can’t say a bad thing about. Besides plumbing, Mario’s been a doctor, an athlete, a sell-out, and numerous other vocations. He’s done it all, helping to change gaming and get Nintendo back on track with the Wii. Why not get politically involved and do the same for the country? It’s not as if Nintendo didn’t suggest this kind of idea way back with Mario Party 5, and as long as this devastating piece of propaganda doesn’t get out, Mario could roll simply by ripping off Obama’s campaign slogans. Yes Wii can, Mario. Yes Wii can.




• Vice President – The Lich King: If Dick Cheney taught us anything, it’s that a universally feared, all around disagreeable guy can rise to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency. So of course, the Video Game Government has to top him. Enter The Lich King. Though he’s all over the game, by the time one gets through all the current content in World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King, you may begin to wonder if The Lich King actually exists since you can’t kill him yet. Cheney’s congressional outbursts and fearsome, domineering demeanor can’t possibly compare to that of the Lich King. I’m pretty sure Cheney didn’t kill and raise his own undead army… or did he?



• Secretary of State – (Former) President Michael Wilson: So how does this guy from Metal Wolf Chaos, a Japanese mech game that was never released outside of Japan, wind up as Secretary of State? Two words: experience and reliability. The former President clearly has a knack for diplomacy and politics. Besides that, he just plain kicks ass in a 12-foot mech! Now that’s diplomacy. Third in line after the President and Vice President, it’s a promise that if the heads of the executive branch are decapitated and the country goes to hell, this guy will get us out. If you don’t believe in his qualifications, do a little YouTube research into his exploits and be amazed! He’ll smash world diplomacy faster than a Florida recount!



• Secretary of the Treasury – Gold Farmers: A staple of any MMORPG, they know how to make fake money quicker, more efficiently, and faster than you… and that’s before they make a real-life profit off of it. They’re also experts at dodging those legal pitfalls while still managing to spam half-a-dozen, “Hey guys! Buy our gold!” messages to the general MMO populace. With those mad skills, why not put them to work for the video game government to figure out the government’s fiscal issues and help get this economy back on track?



• Secretary of Labor – Mama: Mama from Cooking Mama knows a thing or two about labor. Whether directing the player to create a variety of dishes on the Nintendo DS or the Nintendo Wii, she has the kind of worldly experience necessary to smooth over labor relations and ensure better treatment and welfare for workers. Besides, she’s wearing a bandana/bonnet/whatever the hell it is. That just screams labor.



• Secretary of Commerce – Sid Meier: This may just be a cop-out, but let’s consider that Meier has designed some of the most brilliant commerce related games of the 20th and 21st century, between Civilization, Pirates!, and other titles. He also occasionally includes himself in games, which in essence makes him a video game character, thereby qualifying him for this important position. Who better to help regulate international trade; the guy’s games abound with it!
• Secretary of Defense – The Master Chief and Cortana: The Halo duo would make the perfect Secretary of Defense, as Spartan-117 is essentially a one-man army and Cortana is brainy enough to coordinate the entire UNMC, making the U.S. military a cinch. No one can motivate the troops the way the Master Chief can, and no one can direct a military the way Cortana can. God of War’s Kratos almost got the nod, but narrowly missed it because well, if the government thought it necessary to reorganize the departments from the Department of War to the Department of Defense, it seems reasonable that a less offensive appointment should be made.



• Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Dr. Wright: Will Wright’s tutorial-doling avatar in the SNES version of SimCity, it’s pretty much a given that the good doctor knows a thing or two about developing cities and neighborhoods, not to mention everything from ant colonies to worlds.
• Secretary of Education – GLaDOS: The appointment of Portal’s heartless, humorous, death-dealing, results-driven A.I. computer to Secretary of Education may seem questionable. However, considering the educational impact of No Child Left Behind and the government’s inability to fix education, this appointment makes perfect sense. Under NCLB, if students do poorly their funding is cut, which means the cake really is a lie. Besides, you haven’t seen a high-stakes test until you’ve taken one with this technological beauty.



• Secretary of Agriculture – Any Harvest Moon Protagonist: The nameless protagonists of the Harvest Moon series of games all have one thing in common, and that’s that they’re masters of agricultural management. This makes them perfectly suited for this role. The fact that they can be replaced by a new Harvest Moon protagonist at the drop of a hat only works in their favor.



• Secretary of the Interior – Aeris Gainsborough: You just knew a Final Fantasy character had to sneak their way into the government somewhere. The former flower-vendor and protector of The Planet makes sense as a manager of the country’s parks and wildlife. Also, as a member of an ancient race, she makes perfect sense in her role to help promote and preserve the nation’s cultural history.



• Secretary of Health and Human Services – Pac-Man: He eats his fruit, he eats his vegetables, he eats his power pellets, and he’s been around for a long time. Namco’s titular character knows a thing or two about healthy eating and living despite being a portly yellow ball with a HUGE mouth, making him an excellent appointment to this crucial role. As one of the oldest video game character out there, he’ll also do his part to ensure adequate medical care for that section of the population.



• Secretary of Homeland Security – Tanya: Tanya’s gotten plenty of experience doing just this sort of thing in the Command & Conquer: Red Alert series even if no one is really sure what she looks like anymore. She can swim, she can fight, and she can blow things up. So long as the enemy doesn’t bring any Tesla Coils, she can do everything necessary to protect the country from terrorism. Shake it, baby!
• Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs – Solid Snake: John Rambo may have said it best, wishing America would love its soldiers as much as they love America. If any video game character is equipped to echo those sentiments, it’s Old Snake. The veteran of many tactical espionage missions, Solid Snake is the perfect appointment to ensure the veterans are represented fairly and get the respect, honor, and compensation that they are due. Also, should the economy collapse and returning veterans be forced to live in Hoovervilles again, Snake will show them to use boxes not as shelter, but as a means to sneak around and fight back.



• Attorney General – Phoenix Wright: There aren’t a ton of video game characters qualified to uphold the law. The majority tend to operate only after all hell has broken loose or tend to cause a level of destruction that most law-abiding citizens might find unlawful. Enter Phoenix Wright, the ace attorney. By far the most charismatic Attorney General we’ve had in awhile, he’s a law-abiding citizen, and a master of justice. He’ll definitely enforce the law in the public’s best interests.



• Secretary of Energy – Gordon Freeman: It’s time for Freeman to put that degree from MIT to use. The protagonist of Half-Life has experience dealing with energy-related things. While some of his methods may not be environmentally friendly, he has the know-how to do the job so long as he isn’t asked to insert any anomalous materials into energy streams. If he is, well, let’s just say Freeman has proven he’s prepared to deal with unforeseen consequences.



• Secretary of Transportation – Sonic the Hedgehog: Sonic knows a thing or two about going fast on land and has some friends that know a few things about alternative methods of transportation. Besides, think of the possibilities! Instead of traffic lights we could have those checkpoint balls from the first Sonic the Hedgehog game, permitting us to drive as fast as we liked while secure in the knowledge that if we did wind up in a horrible, fiery crash, we’d find ourselves back at that checkpoint! Provided we don’t run out of lives…

There you have it, seventeen video game characters that’ll turn the country around. Some of you are bound to disagree with some of these appointments, but that’s what makes politics so exciting and necessary, so make your voice heard! Decide your video game government, incite a revolution, and comment!