Vampires vs. Zombies: Why Brain-Eating is Better than Blood-Sucking

With the recent arrival of Left 4 Dead to consoles and Twilight to theaters, I began to ponder an age-old question. No, it’s not why text message shortcuts for words have worked their way into zombie-themed game titles, or even why audiences are able to stomach another “youth vampire” film after The Lost Boys: The Tribe’s straight-to-video release earlier this year, but rather, “Who’s scarier: zombies or vampires?” Allow me to explain why zombies are the more frightening, and ultimately superior, of the two.

First off, how many games have vampires in them? Let’s see…um…Castlevania, Castlevania II, Castlevania III…you get the drift. And really, how scary is Dracula in that series when he’s not morphed into something more menacing than his “normal” appearance? Hell, I’ve seen far worse at my local goth club. Now, I ask you: how many zombie games are there, eh? A downright plethora. I need not even mention them, because chances are if you know anything about gaming, you can name almost a handful without even thinking about it. Ever wonder why vampires have been so terribly snubbed by game developers? The answer is simple: something that looks nearly identical to us with two little fangs protruding from their mouths would never make a gamer think, “HOLY CRAP! I GOTTA GET AWAY FROM THAT THING OR IT’S GOING TO DEVOUR MY NECK LIKE A BUFFALO WING!” It would be unmotivating gameplay, to say the least.

Moreover, vampires are an incredibly romanticized creature in any medium. Take Morrigan from Darkstalkers, for example (Score! I thought of another game with vampires in it!). Part of their “intrigue” is that they’re human-looking, except they’re abnormally attractive and über-sexualized, woefully mourning their fate at least once every half an hour you watch/read about them. Seriously vampires, you’re hot. Stop feeling sorry for yourselves. If you looked like Whoopi Goldberg for centuries straight, I’d understand your concern, but you look like Brad Pitt, and you have to bite a couple of necks every once in a while. NOT a tragedy. As a rule of thumb, people generally don’t shudder when encountering an extremely hot, melancholy person. Sure, they might have superior strength/the ability to change form/etc. depending on what lore you’re following, but what it boils down to is this: if some vampire came to your bed in the middle of the night looking like a character from True Blood, chances are you’d say “hop right in!” If a zombie, on the other hand, came towards your bed, you’d probably have to change the sheets the next day.

Kudos to 30 Days of Night for a refreshing depiction of vampires that was actually remotely terrifying. These Alaskan vampires were clearly inhuman, inciting horror and disgust anywhere they went (not unlike a certain governor from the same state). I liken them more to werewolves than anything else, because rarely has a clique of vampires been anything but laughable in the past. Zombies, nevertheless, are almost always frightening–both in their rabid and slow manifestations. Moreover, unless you’re counting Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video, hordes of them never seem stylishly “clique-like” in the way that most vampires are, and similar to the exceptional vampires of 30 Days of Night, there is always a clear distinction between humans and zombies, making them inherently scarier than most vampires.

Wood nymphs?

In sharp contrast to 30 Days of Night, however, are the more subdued vampire movies like Twilight. One reviewer on Rotten Tomatoes said, “These aren’t vampires. These are fairies.” I daresay vampires in most films, in fact, could pass as fairies. Zombies? Not so much (although I’m very curious now what a zombie fairy would look like). Nevertheless, I am certain that Twilight will make adolescent girls swoon all the way to Hot Topic to pick up a t-shirt with one of those dreamy vampire’s pictures on it, so somebody’s obviously making money off of this “non-scary” trend. I suppose that I can’t blame ‘em for catering to a certain crowd if a profit is to be made somewhere, but give me a zombie shirt over a vampire one any day.

Zombies and vampires are drastically different iterations of the undead, but they do share some similarities. They both started out as humans (generally speaking), and they both require living humans in order to survive (Bunnicula and Duckula excluded). That, however, is where any similarities end. Zombies are hideous, mindless creatures who crave internal organs; vampires are pretty and like to give hickeys. I’m sure that a vampire could do better than a zombie on the ACT, or even beat one in a breakdancing competition, but that doesn’t make them better. That makes them more human, more relatable, and better-suited for a romantic comedy than anything horror-related. Zombies, congrats: you win this match. Vampires, I hope you mistake a tanning bed for a coffin and fry to death in a sea of UV rays.