Useless Video-Game-itized Items: How Far Will They Go?

If you’re an American (or know anything about us), there is one thing we share in common: people constantly try to sell us things we don’t need. Take one look at the Home Shopping Network and you’ll see what I mean. When it’s not products to make us lazier or feel better about ourselves, then it’s items that capitalize off of a great concept and make it…well, not so great. Take video games–they’re great. But whose great idea was it to turn game controllers into candy dispensers?

Candy is delightful; so is the Wii. Together, however, they create an unholy union of atrocious merchandising. The Wiimote candy dispenser, officially licensed by Nintendo, spits out Smarties-esque candy where the IR transmitter normally goes. Similar to the Wiimote, the packaging forbids aiming this dangerous weapon at one’s face, but unlike the actual Wiimote, this contraption only serves a singular purpose and gets old quick.

In more poor taste (and likely poor-tasting), Square-Enix has released a Final Fantasy 7 energy drink, so you can dork it up on your way to pump iron. Created in honor of the game’s 10^th anniversary, these drinks are marketed as “power-up potions” to make this mundane concept sound more whimsical. Moreover, there are 16 different character cans for die-hard collectors that “gotta catch ‘em all,” who will waste an estimated total of almost $200 to do so.

But as bad as it’s gotten, I’m surprised that they haven’t taken the concept of making junk for gaming suckers further. Here are some predictions for what tacky products we can expect to rear their ugly heads in stores at some point down the road:

As shameful as most kitschy video game merchandise is, it does serve as a proud proclamation of gaming allegiances. What better way to shout from the rooftop that you love Super Mario Bros. than with Mario boxer shorts? I don’t advise wasting money, but if you’re going to do it regardless, then you might as well do it on something gaming-related, so go ahead and buy that Zelda Sound Drop Keychain if it’ll make you happy. You’ll lose my respect, but you’ll be able to make totally sweet bombchu explosion noises come from your pocket, so it’s a decent trade-off.