Top 5 Video Game Characters I want to Murder

I know what you’re thinking. How can you kill someone that’s not real? Well, Mr. Smarty Pants, my answer is that it’s just a game in itself, and you’re a pathetic loser. Good to know you only thought the question, right?

It’s amazing the wonderful things creators imagine, draw out, and animate. Even more amazing is all the crap they thought was wonderful to imagine, draw out, animate, and ruin our days with. Just like in reality, you’re going to come across video game characters you wish never existed. So luckily, you have your own imaginary world where you have the ability to kill these people over and over again. But I still had to instill some rules when deciding this list. I mean, try as I might, I just can’t imagine killing a baby (you lucked out, baby Mario), or give a place to a group of people portrayed in video games (I supposed I killed enough Nazis). Don’t worry though, for animals are still fair game. Take that, PETA! So with that in mind, here is my top 5 list of video game characters I’d like to murder. Unsurprisingly, they’re all annoying.

#5: Tingle - The Legend of Zelda series

• This short, potbelly pig…. uh, I mean fairy, is the Jar Jar Binks of the video game industry, a horrendously crafted character in an otherwise excellent franchise. The dude isn’t an actual fairy, but he’s nuts about them, and I’m nuts about killing him. Bad enough he dresses up similarly to our main character Link (is that supposed to be a joke?), and that he ends every conversation with “kooloo-limpah,” but you can’t get away from this guy! That’s right, he’s an integral part of the adventures he decides to ruin for you. Tingle first shows up in Majora’s Mask, helping you navigate the game by selling maps. Problem is, you have to shoot his damn balloon every time you’d like to buy one. Then, in The Wind Waker, you had to save his ass from a dingy prison, only to have him extort you for, again, maps, or as it should really be called, directions away from the creepy pedophile (can’t deny it when he only appears in games with kid link), and sending you on stupid, tedious fetch quests. I remember his father saying he was ashamed of his son’s antics. No, really? He’s a 35 year-old loser dressed up in tights. At least Link has a sword.


#4: Tom Nook - Animal Crossing

• Tom Nook is pretty much your crooked bastard who owns a small general store in the town you sadly decide to spend forever in. Very quaint that he’s a raccoon in English-speaking countries but in Japan he’s a tanuki, which are known for being mischievous. You start off Animal Crossing ready for a new life in a wonderful town, and the Nook comes out of nowhere, gives you a crappy house with a mortgage of about 20,000 bells (in-game currency), and offers part-time work to pay it off, which you do by paying him! And when you’re all finished, Tom “offers” to expand your dinky abode, but really, it happens whether you like it or not. This crap happens four times, all the while his store coincidentally grows bigger thanks to your business. And when you’re finally finished paying off that mortgage, you get a statue erected in your honor. Thanks Tom Nook, you dick.


#3: Mr. Resetti - Animal Crossing

• What? Animal Crossing again? Hey, give props to a game that actually mimics a town, seeing as they filled it with “accurately portrayed people”, also known as imbeciles. Mr. Resetti appears outside your house every time you reset without saving, scolding you for doing so. I thought it was nice the first couple of times, a friendly townsfolk concerned for my well-being, but when you keep making the same mistake over and over, even after he threatens to delete your town (which he never does), shit hits the fan. All of a sudden, this mole goes from bad to worst, actually delivering punishment by having you scroll through tons of useless text. Come on! I know how important it is to save, but my life doesn’t revolve around your stupid game. For all Resetti knows, I had to forgo saving because my house was getting robbed. At least there’s a small satisfaction when the criminals turn on the game and get a backlashing from the cranky son-of-a-bitch. Maybe they’ll do my job by killing him before I can.


#2: Dog - Duck Hunt

• You know him. I know him. And everyone hates him. You can be the best sharpshooter at Duck Hunt, but as soon as you miss, this hunting dog is right there acting like he’s trying to hold in the laughter, but you know it’s all show. He was ready for this. He lives to mock you every time you fail. Go ahead and shoot him, but trust me, it’s hopeless. Man’s best friend, my ass. For me, and perhaps for many, this was the first time I ever had a computer laugh at me, and the moment I pledged to fight against equality for robots forever. However, even if the dog might have been the first video game character people dreamed of killing, he’s not number one on my list.


#1: Slippy Toad - Star Fox series

• Ask anyone who knows me. I love the Star Fox series. It has everything I want with a kind of uniqueness that can’t be beat. But even love can have a few wrinkles. You see, I think the cast is a good representation of an ideal party. You got your fearless leader Fox, the badass loner Falco, your seasoned vet Peppy, and eventually, your easy-on-the-eyes Krystal (if you like that sort of thing), but how can we forget that guy. You know what I’m talking about, the useless, no good, waste-of-a-life friend who just can’t see the err of his ways. In Star Fox’s case, that guy is Slippy Toad. I don’t understand how you get to be on Fox’s ace squad when you’re unceasingly in trouble. It’s one thing for Fox to forever get you out of a bad spot, but you have to beg us every time with that high-pitched voice of yours, and again with that grating sound when you actually do your job and shoot something going, “I got one! I got one!”. Honestly, that voice made me believe you were a girl until Star Fox Command shacked you up with someone. There’s going to be more of you? Unlike the other four behind him, Toad’s annoyance coupled with being stuck with him for the full ride gives him the crown of number 1. Congratulations Toad. Now let’s get your head under that guillotine.

Well well well, it seems all my choices are straight from Nintendo’s brilliant minds. Leave it to them for creating the stupidest characters to ever exist in video games. Now fetch me my hunting rifle boy; I think we found ourselves the real masterminds behind all this.