Top 5 Game Girls That Could Kick My Ass

So, I’m going to level with you folks today. I’m 6’ tall and around 250 pounds depending on what shoes I’m wearing. During the course of my life, I’ve been referred to as stout, husky, girthy, and even voluptuous on more than one occasion. I walk down back alleys with relative aplomb knowing that not many people want to tangle with a large bearded man, glasses or no glasses. All of that aside, there is an inordinate amount of kickass females in the world of gaming that make me quiver in my boots.

Read that statement again. If this was real life, I’d pretty much already be emasculated and ashamed, assuming I wasn’t talking about the local college’s female rugby team.

The role of the female in gaming has evolved a long way from the tired damsel-in-distress archetype. Sure, there are still plenty of male protagonists rushing off to save their best girl from the evil cyborg-zombie-ninja invasion, but the gaming world as a whole has accepted the badass lead female as a viable – nay – necessary element in any good game. Today I’ll be presenting you with the top 5 girls that I, Mr. Voluptuous, would run from so fast in that back alley that the only trace they’d find of me would be the trail of urine.

• 5. Zoey (Left 4 Dead) – A relative newcomer to the Badass Female Brigade (I made that up), Zoey’s mettle is damn near unmatched, as only zombie holocausts can reveal. As my buddy Chris’s blushing bride-to-be, Zoey can wield anything from a pitiful-although-surprisingly-infinite pistol to a blazing auto-shotgun without so much as a hair falling out of place. And take it from me, folks. Even marginally athletic college girls are terrifying. Before you know it, you’ll have an ultimate Frisbee lodged in your skull, and that’s game over.



• 4. Alyx Vance (Half-Life 2) – Let’s pretend, for a moment, that the lovely Ms. Vance doesn’t own a gigantic, violently loyal robot that she created herself. She’s still fighting for survival in a very messed up world, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Gordon Freeman against all manner of headcrabs, headcrab zombies, mutant headcrabs…hell, even that stuck-up scientist bitch that worked in her father’s lab. I’m terrified of headcrabs! There’s probably some other enemies out there too, but damn if Alyx doesn’t tangle with them all without a word of complaint or hesitation.



• 3. Princess Peach (Super Mario Bros. 2) – Quite possibly the earliest damsel to shed her distress in lieu of an action role, the Princess was one of four playable characters in Super Mario Bros. 2, an odd little title that deviated quite a bit from the original’s gameplay. She might be sporting her pink dress and tiara for this adventure, but let me ask you a question: have you ever actually been hit in the head with a giant turnip? A turnip with a face?! That shit hurts! Or eggs that are shot from a weird transvestite dinosaur thing’s mouth? No thank you. I’ll be in the corner sucking my thumb if you need me.



• 2. Sarah Kerrigan (StarCraft, Brood War) – “Well DUH,” you exclaim! Of course you’re scared of Sarah Kerrigan, Queen of mother-effing Blades, the scary Terran-Zerg hybrid who is just brilliant enough to make you overlook for a second how easily she could gouge out your insides. No my friends, the Kerrigan that’s on my list is the svelte redhead who endlessly teased poor Jim Raynor with her sass and skintight leather outfit. For those of you who may have forgotten, Sarah started out in the Starcraft universe as a Ghost, one of the elite psychic special ops units for the Terrans. So, even without Zerg enhancements, she’s a master sniper and telekinetic wunderkind. Not to mention that she could stealth in my yard and nuke my f’ing house. Honorable mention to Nova, who might have made this list had Blizzard’s StarCraft: Ghost title not gone the way of the dodo.



• 1. Samus Aran (Metroid series) – “Oh! What’s that? A weird-looking ball! OOH! It popped out a smaller, blinking ball! Maybe I should pick it u-OH GOD! THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!” You see that? And that’s just one potential scenario! She’s a bounty hunter! A power suit-clad, Space Pirate-hunting, jellyfish-looking-parasite killing bounty hunter! In a brilliant move that may have been the catalyst for all future female badasses in gaming, we don’t find out until the very end of the first Metroid that underneath that power suit is a curvy blonde agent of death. The amount of ways Samus has to dispatch me is truly staggering: will it be a missile, or some crazy beam weapon, or will she just spin-jump in the air and slice me in half? I’m pretty sure, even out of the power suit, that she could make me cry for mommy. I suppose I could buy some time by say, sitting on a particularly high ledge, forcing her to backtrack to get those High Jump Boots before she could reach me. But that’s precious running-away time I’m losing.

Well there you go, people. I laid it all out there and showed my true colors. This whole article and now subsequently your computer screen reeks of cowardice, but that’s honesty for you. You know, after investigating this list, I’m pretty sure I’m afraid of all girls now. Well, more afraid.

Mr. Voluptuous out.