Theme-Park “Game”: Less Fun for More Money

There isn’t enough sulfurous stink in hell to cover up the stench of corporate infiltration in the new theme park “adventure” Six Flags Fun Park. It’s a video game about a theme park. Can I make rollercoasters and ride them? No? Oh.

Instead it’s a collection of minigames…based on a theme park chain…for the Wii. Wait, they don’t have enough of those already? But I suppose you know best, fourth-tier video game developer.

And what company could bring you the nail-biting experience of not having fun at a virtual theme park? Who else but Brash Entertainment and their new outing, a collection of over 40 mini-games due out this October for Nintendo’s Wii (with eventual — and unfortunate — releases on the PS2 and DS).

The fun park-based game has a long and illustrious history (just think of the great sims like Rollercoaster Tycoon and its cousins) and has rewarded developers with much moolah and acclaim. This is all with good reason: those games were simulations that didn’t suck. These were “God-games” in which theme park patrons could live, die, and soil their pants at your whimsy. But this new collection of mini-games looks as funless and poorly designed as this ride:

Does Brash Entertainment innovate on this tried-and-true design in order to bring us new gameplay? No. Do they at least adhere to the fundamentals by overlaying a Six Flags theme over the proceedings while still bringing us a serviceable game? Of course not. They’ll stick to the gloomy path tread long ago by their Universal Studios predecessors who scream, “Turn back whilst ye still draw breath.” Or at least, “Abandon all profits ye who enter here.” Something like that, anyway.

And if you thought maybe Brash would do for Six Flags what Retro did for Metroid, think again. The company’s website at brashent.com (gesundheit) showcases their pedigree of other surely hard-won intellectual properties just clamoring for a home on our consoles and PCs. For example, Saw, based on the horror movie series. It’s due out in October 2009; a timely release to coincide with the fifth movie in the series. Fifth. Plus, they boast “[enjoying] long-term partnerships” with famous Hollywood studios. If that doesn’t sound remarkably like self-congratulatory PR bull, then you are either deaf or insane. This isn’t a game company, it’s the Sargasso where all DeVry graduates drift.

There is no coaster-building. Period. There is nothing fun or engaging about playing a bunch of fake midway games. There is also no room for argument on this stance.

What Brash has done is take what should be the joyous experience of a day at the coaster park and boiled it down to a child’s county fair nightmare: a cesspit, a carny-run seedy midway freak show. The Ring Toss is rigged, Johnny, and the Bearded Lady is not what she seems. And no cotton candy. I’d rather vomit on the Tilt-A-Whirl.

Six Flags Fun Park due out October 2008 for Wii, PS2 and DS. Run for your lives.