The Top 5 Video Game Badasses

The term “badass” has been thrown around way too much in recent years, commonly used to describe someone who is able to beat up others in a stylistic fashion. This is wrong. This ability only makes someone “bad,” “tough,” or “Vin Diesel,” and frankly this type of action hero is a dime a dozen. No…to be considered a true “badass,” much more emphasis must be placed on the “ass.”

This by no means indicates that the hero must have a rockin’ bod (though that never hurts when ass-kicking is required). It simply means that once those butts are thoroughly kicked, the hero reduces the villain to ashes with smartass quotes or insults. Case in point: John McClane from Die Hard is the dictionary definition of badass: one of the most beloved action heroes of all time simply because he’s a bigger asshole than the villains. We all wish we could be that big of an a-hole, kick ass, and, as we all know, chicks dig a-holes.

Thus, since video games are a medium centered around punishing someone physically, it only makes sense that a few badasses exist amidst a sea of “nice guys” like Master Chief and Solid Snake. The following are the top five badasses I’ve had the pleasure of witnessing over my years as a gamer, and I think we can all take a few lessons from their collective plethora of ass-kicking knowledge.

5. Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem series)

An amalgam of some of the greatest badasses of all time—from Schwarzenegger’s muscles and crew cut to Bruce Willis’s iconic “wife beater” undershirt—Duke Nukem is 110% testosterone. Featuring a near endless supply of bullets and one-liners: “It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum…and I’m all out of gum,” the duke of destruction immediately became a hit with gamers starved for cocky heroes. Many have docked Mr. Nukem points for dipping into the quotes of other established badasses…most notably, Ash, from the Evil Dead movie series. While this may show some lack of creativity on his part, at least he picks the best badasses from which to steal. Hail to the king, baby!

4. Auron (Final Fantasy X)

Even before the big twist in FFX, Auron is easily the coolest character in the game. Not only is he the lone character with any semblance of fashion sense, he also packs the most effective weapons and laughs whenever he kills something. Not badass enough for you? Well, halfway through the game you discover that he has been dead the entire time. Yes, Auron is an ass-kicking zombie who has returned to kick ass from the grave. A character so badass that he tells the Grim Reaper to blow off? Now that’s what I’m talking about.

3. Captain Nathan “Rad” Spencer (Bionic Commando series)

Not just Duke Nukem’s seemingly identical twin, Captain Spencer is a 1980s “rad” macho man in every sense. If the popped collar, killer shades, huge guns, and robotic grappling arm don’t convince you of his badassery, his tongue sure will. Before every boss battle, Spencer takes a few moments to inform his adversaries of just how thoroughly their asses will be kicked, as well as where the aforementioned bionic arm will be placed in regards to their rectum. Throw in the fact that he blows apart the resurrected Hitler’s head with a rocket, and you have a certified badass indeed.

2. Niko Bellic (Grand Theft Auto IV)

Niko’s no-nonsense work ethic and combat prowess were most likely honed through his time in the Slavic army; however, the source of his complete badass attitude still remains a mystery. Niko is never too busy slinging bullets or pummeling mobsters to spout the occasional one-liner, cementing his place on the list. My personal favorite badass exchange, which follows Niko’s kidnapping of a prominent mobster’s daughter:

Gracie Ancelotti: “I’ll scratch your f#@%ing eyes out!”
Niko: “Scratch my f#@%ing balls, bitch!” (punches her in the face and knocks her unconscious)

Priceless.

1. Mario (Super Mario series)

Though it may seem unlikely at first that Nintendo’s portly plumber is my number one badass, let’s consider the evidence. First off, Mario is an avid drug abuser, snarfing mushrooms left and right. Second, Mario defeats his enemies by stomping them into mush or, to add insult to injury, by smothering them under his massive butt cheeks. Such attacks are always followed by a hearty, “Woo hoo,” mocking his victims as they turn to dust. Finally, what could possibly be a greater insult than to kill your enemies with flaming boogers? Mario has developed every aspect of badassery into an art form, all of it tied together in the greatest mustache this side of Magnum, P.I.