The Quickest Way to a Steam-Powered Sex Life

Ranking Valve games is a lot like ranking your own children. When people ask, you spout, “I love them all” or something equally inane. Deep down, though, you prefer little Randy and hope Sally is the mailman’s demon spawn so you can divorce your overbearing shrew of a wife. Note to current and prospective parents: Child Services frowns upon ranking children with a branding iron, especially when rankings are subject to change.

This is certainly not the first time someone has ranked Valve’s catalog. However, unlike other sites and their arbitrary judgments, we here at GotGame have decided to take an objective approach and define a quantifiable metric for rating games: number of girlfriends obtained as a direct result of skill in said game. I think you’ll find that my results are accurate and will replicate across more extensive trials. Only games made directly by Valve are included. That means no Counter-Strike, no Day of Defeat, no Team Fortress Classic. Tie-breakers are decided on the basis of closest additional girlfriend nearly acquired due to skills.

Here are the rankings, with the number of girlfriends gained in parentheses:

T-1st – Half-Life 2: Episode One (0)
The biggest issue with Episode One is its lack of new gameplay mechanics. If I’m laying down my game at the bar, I can’t say, “Hey babe, I’ve mastered the upgraded gravity gun, now can I master your tongue?” She’ll just come back and say, “That’s so 2004.” Trust me, I know – Episode 1 is a barren wasteland when it comes to sexual conquest.

T-1st – Half-Life 2: Episode Two (0)
The saving grace of Episode 2 is the garden gnome. Some chicks are into that. There’s something deeply metaphorical about attaching the gnome to a rocket and launching it into space. (Hint: it’s like sex.) Unfortunately, garden gnome fetishists always require restraining orders in the end and never quite make it to full-fledged girlfriend status.

T-1st – Team Fortress 2 (0)
Role-playing is very important to the Team Fortress girl. Although I never quite “sealed the deal,” I did hear some great dirty talk, such as:
“Oh, Pyro, you’re getting me so hot!”
“I’ve got a dispenser for you, Engineer.”
Of course, things sour a bit when you hear, “Heavy, I know you said ‘mini-gun,’ but come on.”

T-1st – Half-Life 2 (0)
Despite the fact that the above games led to nearly real relationships, I’ve always considered Alyx Vance to be the closest thing I ever had to a girlfriend. Thanks to the Source SDK included with Half-Life 2, she became scriptable, posable…lovable. I was able to recreate classic dialogue from previous relationships, like “My parents are out of town,” “I’ll always love you,” and “You should probably get tested.” I guess love hurts after all.

T-1st – Portal (0)
Portal girls are great at first – kind, caring, supportive. Then they invite you to their place, which is full of robo-hentai and has a weapons cache in the closet. In my three experiences, I never made it past the following exchange:
“Do you want a piece of my sweet cake?”
“Oh, you know it.”
“How about the neurotoxin – do you like the neurotoxin?”
“Ow! My acetylcholine!”

T-1st – Half-Life (0)
The crowbar became iconic in gaming culture overnight thanks to this game. As a side effect, it also became iconic in BDSM culture. I got beaten silly by the “Half-Life cougar,” a 42-year-old schoolteacher from Stockon, CA. She may have fractured my tailbone, but she stole my heart. Dina, if you’re out there, please call. I need a tie-breaker.

There you have it. If any of you have conducted similar studies, shout out in the comments.