The Least Scary Games: Squeamish Gamers Abandon Their Pampers

I’m a bit of a scaredy cat when it comes to movies and video games. I’ll admit, I cover my eyes or look away during the suspenseful parts of a movie, and I’ve even turned off the console after getting surprised by an enemy in Resident Evil. With all the Halloween hubbub going around, there’s been a lot of talk of horror and video games.

Well, I say, “Fuck Halloween.”

Not everyone enjoys being scared, eating candy or getting plastered, and getting your ass groped at some party (I’ll never forgive them). The entire holiday is basically a big competition-fest. All night is: “Oh, I have a more clever/expensive/hot costume than you.”
“Oh, I have more candy than you.”
“Oh, I have a more well-crafted jack-o-lantern than you.”
“Oh, I kidnapped more children than you.”

Sick of it! To help those of us who might choose to avoid that nonsense, stay in and game on Halloween, but also are a bit timid, I’ve scoured the annals of gaming to find the games that are sure to delight even the most Todd Flanders among us.

Yet, I found that this was a harder task than I had anticipated.

The following titles were considered, but then disqualified.

Terrifying.

• Petz: Catz 2. Despite the uber-cute kitties on the cover, my inside sources tell me that the game features a wizard. I don’t care what Harry Potter fans say. I read the Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia Wrede. She taught me that wizards are bad news.
• PixelJunk Monsters. Monster in the title. Next.
• Elite Beat Agents. I thought this game was innocent enough, but after replaying it, there’s a whole bunch of spooky stuff going on. One stage has dancing animals performing strange rituals. Another features invading aliens with space guns. There is even some poltergeist action as a young girl tries to start her career as a necromancer by bringing back her dead father.
• Harvest Moon. One would think that this game would be a perfect candidate. You’d think wrong. If the heathen Harvest Goddess and harvest sprites weren’t enough to make to make you uncomfortable, the axe-wielding farmer who mercilessly hacks away at trees is sure to make one shiver. His other weapons include a hammerandsickle. Remind you of something? Yea. That’s right. The Reds. The thought of the Soviets coming back and invading our precious farmlands is horrifying. Those commie bastards give a whole new meaning to Save the Homeland. Also, I suspect the town’s residents are supernatural monsters of some sort. I’ve slashed at the store clerk with the axe from dawn to dusk and he never showed the slightest sign of injury. The regenerators from Resident Evil 4 have nothing on these villagers.
• Guitar Hero. Besides the fact that Death and the Devil are featured, rock music is the new pornography.
• Barbie Horse Adventure: Riding Camp: The game is innocent enough at first glance. Barbie, the All-American Girl, riding horses with her friends at riding camp. After popping it in, my first tasks were to select an outfit and select a horse. While this itself wasn’t scary, I immediately thought of the swarms of American girls and boys who will grow up with false hopes and dreams of being handed custom ponies and outfits without having to work for them. This horrid scenario of a world filled with people even more materialistic than our current generation left me sleepless for days.

Games That Made the Cut

Diner Dash(Mac OS X, Windows, Mobile phone, Nintendo DS, Game Boy Advance, PlayStation Portable, Xbox LIVE Arcade, iPhone): Not only is this game addictive as all heck, it features absolutely no violence, witchcraft or devil’s music. It DOES feature fast and frantic gameplay, sweet cash register sounds and the satisfaction of being a master of customer service. No need to worry about sexual harassment, verbal abuse and spilled drinks ruining your outfit. You just click furiously to make that virtual money. The antithesis to Barbie Horse Adventures, the rags-to-riches campaign mode makes you feel satisfied with each penny earned.

Pochaco Posse

Hello Kitty MMO (PC): I originally laughed at the idea of an Hello Kitty MMO. After reading some details about it, I realized it might not be so laughable after all. MMOs are popular, but what about the gamers who avoid conflict, don’t like being PKed and absolutely wuv all things cute? Plus Pochaco is in it. That guy is boss.

Audiosurf (PC): The music-based puzzle game that lets you ride along custom made tracks that synchronize with the song. The joy of this game is that you can choose your own music. Whatever music it is that puts you in the relaxing mood to avoid all of the Halloween antics, you can use it in Audiosurf. My suggestion: Lio-Banana Split on repeat all night long.

Animal Crossing (GameCube, Nintendo Wii): This was an obvious choice. Basically a more kid-friendly Harvest Moon, Animal Crossing features all of the niceties of the farming simulator, without any of the alternative religions and sharp weapons. The game is mysteriously addicting, and amazingly relaxing. You’ll be surprised how much enjoyment can be had from doing virtual real-life activities. The game has the strange power to turn the normally mundane into the compelling. Animal Crossing even has Halloween festivities, they’re just like the real thing, except without the skankyness and excessive drinking. Also, my Animal Crossing buddies, though occasionally catty and mean, don’t tease me endlessly for jumping in fright at a haunted house every Halloween.

Side note: If you need additional distraction from the freaks outside, read this, then call your mother.

Lumines (PSP): Winner of my “#1 Reason I’m Sad I Don’t Have a PSP Award” and my “God Damnit, I Always Mispronounce The Name of This Game and Look Foolish Award” from 2005, Lumines delivers on frantic puzzle action, without any of the blood and gore that is usually omnipresent in the genre. Throw in a kickin’ soundtrack and you’ll be so engrossed that even a zombie attack at your front door won’t be able to pry you away.