The Battle of the Ages
Babies
VS
Old People
(Today’s battle theme was suggested by Mr. Joey Samaniego, who I anticipate will offer a lovely rebuttal in the comments.)
Babies. Ugh. Just the word itself brings a sour spittle taste to my mouth. Babies are sticky, unpredictable, and can’t be reasoned with. For some reason, they all put off a faint McDonald’s french fry smell. (And not the “I’m about to grab a fist full of fresh, hot, deliciously salty fries” smell you get pulling out of the drive-through. This is the “Who left a bag of McDonald’s fries under the couch for a week?” smell of neglect.) Yes, we were all babies at one time, so any complaints I have can also be lobbed at 1980s’ Jillian. But that’s another big dent in their appeal: everyone worships babies like they’re some sort of ultra-rare, mythical beast. Like that one species of unicorn that drools champagne and has teeth made of Kryptonite. Well, they’re not. There are a lot of children in the world, and most of them aren’t as-seen-on-Oprah genius-babies.
Old people, however, often are the stuff of legends. They’re living history lessons. What can your grandparents teach you? Oh, what it was like to live through World War II firsthand. Your neighbors’ baby might have a similarly inspiring story in 70 years or so, but it won’t matter to us. We’ll be dead, and just hoping the children of today aren’t corpse-desecrating grave pirates.
Besides actually having life experience and stories to recount, you know what else makes old people’s stories worthwhile? They can talk. To interact with a baby, you have to make up some nonsense language and just pretend to be making a connection, while everyone nearby judges your baby bilingual skills. Maybe this isn’t babies’ faults in particular–they didn’t request that our primary means of communication with them be an utter joke. But that means that baby proponents need to canvass for equal speech rights for babies. No more of this “googoo” crap. “Whoojywhoojywhoo!” is out of the question. I can’t even acknowledge the use of “widdle” anymore. If I want to tell a baby their fat little cheeks are adorable, I should be able to say “Hello, miniature sir. I find your corpulent jowls quite pleasing to the eye.”
There’s also a key percentage issue that comes into play here: every baby—no matter how smart, adorable, advanced, or talented—needs to be taken care of. Yes, some elderly also need assistance once they reach a certain point in their life, but many live out the entirety of their post-baby days with no help whatsoever. 100% of babies need care, attention, and your valuable time. I’m not going to make up some wacky and inaccurate percentage for old people, but it’s obviously not 100%. Probably more like 63%.
Finally, my personal vendetta argument: babies don’t like me. I’m not sure which came first, babies disliking me or vice versa, but I’ve always found people older than myself quite amiable. That might have something to do with being raised with Southern politeness: “sir,” “ma’am,” “please,” and “thank you” will usually rank you favorably with the elderly (and gentlemanly) crowd. Babies don’t really response to pleasantries, and the tike that spit his applesauce all over your dress will be a repeat offender in spite of your “Please don’t do that, sir,” request. And yet you will get in trouble for spitting back. You can’t win with babies.
Old people, for the win.
Tags: The Battle of
First of all, my suggestion was “Children vs. Old People.” Babies<Children. And yet, they’re still superior to the dredges of society (see also: the elderly).
Sure, I’ll give you that babies can be a bit stinky with all their diaper and vomit action. These smells can be cleaned/disposed of. Old people reek of old people smell. You all know the smell. Found in hospitals, retirement homes and grandma’s houses everywhere. You can’t clean it, it just permeates and lingers. Few smells make me want to jump out of the window like old people smell.
Babies, as high maintenance as they may be, actually need the attention they receive. Their brains/limbs are incapable of changing their own diapers or going grocery shopping. Yet with every . Meanwhile, old people skills continually degrade. One minute they’re perfectly able to manage a building and the next they’re yelling at you for not paying your rent from last month (even if you did). Also, whereas assisting a baby is a necessity, assisting the elderly is a courtesy. They’ll be able to do it, it’s just harder for them.
Which brings me to my next complaint. Old people’s feelings of entitlement. Yesterday, on the way home from work I noticed an older woman was standing on the train. I quickly gave up my seat so she could sit down. Similar to previous experiences with their kind, rather than receive a word of thanks or some sort of recognition, she just grunted and sat down. I assume she felt like she was entitiled to the spot and no thanks was necessary. Her status as elderly gives her license to expect nothing but graciousness and to give out nothing in return.
Contrary to anything Clint Eastwood tries to tell us in Gran Torino, old people can rarely learn new tricks. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll learn about tolerance from someone who isn’t a cranky bigot veteran. Usually their life lessons don’t really mesh well with my heathen ways. Babies don’t discriminate on anything (except maybe those yucky veggies. but c’mon can you blame them?), their mind is a clean slate to mesh and mold. You want them to like your favorite sports team? Chances are you can make them. You want them to like Arby’s? Give it to them at a young age so they become accustomed to the sub-par taste and will learn to love it. They will probably be better than you with computers and technology in the near future. Meanwhile, old people can barely work the telephone and need products “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”(TM).
I do agree that babies can be a bit boring to talk to (I refuse to use the word “widdle”) and aren’t nearly as cute as people say they are. Yet the elderly are just as frustrating in conversation.
http://www.mariowiki.com/Cranky_Kong#In_Video_Games
Look at these quotes from Cranky Kong, the quintessential old person. I’m sure they’re just slight edits to actual old people quotes that the developers heard. I know that my grandfather says “Get out of my tent now, you cheeky ape!! Wait till I tell your parents.” all the time.
If you take care of your baby, it does NOT have to smell like french fries!
Babies are also an investment, because they’re the ones taking care of you when YOU get old.
Babies can also serve as minions.
Old people, not so much.
They know better.
Those are valid points, madam, for the majority of potential baby-haters. However, my final bullet point negates them in relation to my personal view: babies hate me. No matter their mold-ability, I think baby-armies are beyond my control. And once old enough to take care of me, I anticipate baby mutiny and a prompt dispatching of my elderly self. I do, however, envy those of you who can invest in baby-stocks and reap potentially market-crashing rewards in the future.
But I refuse to accept that babies do not naturally excrete french fry smell! Even the most pampered and perfume-doused babies I have met reek of Slingblade’s favorite meal. If there is some magical cure I’m unaware of, please share–maybe a ketchup bath?
Riveting testimonial from Spidey:
http://img238.imageshack.us/img238/685/spiderbabyga4.jpg
Even though not-Batman appears to be approving the smell of that baby, without sticking his feet on it, the testimony is useless. If he truly is the “spider” man he claims, he’s getting a nice whiff of the un-baby-scented floor.
Also this:
http://www.marriedtothesea.com/082707/being-old.gif
Babies are much more likely to die when consuming honey: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infant_botulism#Infant_botulism. Thus, old people win because honey is delicious and they can eat it without dying. QED, Samaniego.
I counter with this: Old people have an infinitely higher chance to get DUIs than babies.
Also: “Big bear…he likes the honey”
Only because they’re not lying around, being dead from eating honey.
That is horrible. And you know it’s horrible.
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