That Guy Commits Carnalism, Commitment and Carnage

If you’re not familiar, we have a little running series here at GotGame where a writer selects three people, objects or anything else they can think of, and decides which they’d like to fornicate with (or “fuck” as it is known), which they’d like to marry, and which they’d like to kill. Being the meta-nerd that I am, I decided it would be far too easy to select game characters, developers or anything physical that could be MacGyvered into having a wang port. Instead, I would much rather look at abstract concepts that define our beloved industry, the most notable being this collective conscious creation of cataloging that is video game genres.

You can't deny the vintage hotness

Fuck – First Person Shooters

While it is possible to have a long lasting relationship with shooters, they’re meant to be enjoyed in intense, fast-paced bits that end in either the orgasmic rush of victory or the premature, flaccid lull of defeat. And between matches you’re usually forced to wait through eventless, boring matchmaking which draws a striking resemblance to an age old practice called “cuddling.”

Besides, ‘headshot’ is too good a double entendre to pass up.

Marry – Role Playing Games

You had me at "I was born 87 years ago"

RPGs are designed from the ground up to be a commitment, which is why so many frat gamers run away from them so readily. Not so with plot junkies who crave exploration, such as myself. I’ve already given hundreds of hours to the Final Fantasy and Elder Scrolls franchises, so if I have to stay with one genre for the rest of my life, it’d be RPGs hands down.

I’d prefer being tied down to a Western RPG though, even though Japanese RPGs are super-hot. WRPGs would be way more adventurous (if you know what I mean) while JRPGs would just go through the motions and after a year or two wind up repeating themselves.

Kill – Point and Click Adventures

Oh wait, they’re already dead…

Kill – Fighting Games

What happened my old friend?

This pains me to say as a die-hard fan of the Soul Edge franchise (that’s Soul Caliber for the arcade illiterate) but the truth is, fighting games have just run out of steam (not quite as much as Sonic the Hedgehog, but he’s ineligible for this FMK). Fighting games are like the fifties sex symbol who’s gone to seed and is drinking away her last bit of savings in a retirement home. She still has some fans who replay her old records and dream of a comeback, but they know deep-down that she just can’t regain her former glory.

I’m sorry old girl, but it’s time to pull the plug.

-That Guy

PS: My affinity for alliteration will surely be my annihilation.