Tearing the Movie Stub: The Five Worst Video Game Film Adaptations

In the history of movie adaptations, no source material has gained more scorn from the critical masses than those based on video games. Beginning with classic installments of the Mario Bros. franchise, no matter how many audience members stay home, the earnest marketing gurus in Hollywood have insisted that the same people who enjoy the games will come out in hordes to see it brought to the big screen. Among this “bottom of the barrel” category there are a few gems that stand the test of time as being equal in auteurship to the impending Gigli sequel.

Here is the newest Oscar category: the five worst video games movies of all time!

Get it? Because they blow. That's right.

5. Pokémon (all of them): There is really no film in the entire Pokémon effort that has any semblance of purpose or logic. I know that watching colorful interpretations of bush critters and mythological beasts running around saying their own name is good enough for some people, but those that did not grow up inhaling asbestos wanted to storm the projection booth and burn the celluloid. The game itself is fun because it’s an RPG mixed with standard collecting elements. This in mind, they decided that the best way to transfer this from your Gameboy to the big screen was to strip it of all its fun elements and instead, try and flesh out its wonderful story arc. I don’t know if Ash is meant to be an existential figure traveling through archetypal lands on his way to a modern Troy, but I do know that I’ve had more fun burning myself with matches.

4. House of the Dead: I’m not in any way against zombie movies, but this challenged even the most die hard undead-lovers. Based on a game that takes twenty-seven minutes to complete while you are eating a sandwich, someone decided this experience could be stretched out into an hour and a half, complete with sexually deviant teenagers popping ecstasy. Yes, we do see zombies killing young people, and yes, you get a whole lot of shooting, but usually these all-American movie moments are hung on at least a skeleton of a plot.

3. Alone in the Dark:Tara Reid decided to take a break from her STD-riddled day-to-day drinkathon to play a serious role as an archaeologist and museum curator. Lucky for us, that was obviously her original career. The “film” quickly made it onto prestigious lists of “the worst ever” and of course extended the life of a much-beloved series. Has anyone even played Alone in the Dark?

2. Dead or Alive: This movie had the good sense to include the creepy images of semi-nude teenagers that popularized the video game series so much. Chris Hanson would be proud of this film’s use of these brought-to-life nymphets for its posters and publicity campaign. The film itself runs like a Master P video, mixing images of super-cool cars with people in badly choreographed fight scenes and (surprise) the newest class from Barely Legal.

1. Street Fighter: Though it makes #1 on the list, this absolute train wreck is by far the most entertaining. We have Raul Julia taking the role of the sinister M. Bison, only to knock off once the film had finished shooting. I have not visited his grave lately, but I’m pretty sure that “finished his career by starring in Street Fighter” is not on it. Of course, the title role goes to Jean-Claude Van Damme as William F. Guile, who challenges Bison’s terrorist reign. Let me tell you: Jean-Claude is up to the task. Right before Guile storms Bison’s compound, he gives his fellow beret-clad tough guys a speech about commitment and integrity. I am sure that there was not a dry eye in the house when the financiers finally saw it.