Superzeroes: Comic Book Characters That Aren’t Film-Worthy

Given runaway successes like Spider-Man 3 and The Dark Knight, both Marvel and DC are looking to launch several new comic movie franchises in the following years. Individual plans for movies featuring Wolverine, Magneto, Captain Marvel, Thor, and Captain America are all in the works, plus there is always Spider-Man 4 and the next Batman sequel to look forward to. There are even rumblings of a “reboot” Superman film, complete with dark and edgy atmosphere. But it’s in their best interest (both Marvel and DC) to realize that some superheroes should stay as far away from movie screens as possible.

While there’s a treasure trove of horrible ideas that have “graced” the pages of Marvel and DC over the years, I’ve decided to take a more mainstream path: three mostly recognizable faces that, while good at certain points in their careers, would ultimately make for bad cinema. Their reasons are different, but the bond is the same: these three should never have more than a cameo role in a bigger superhero film, because anything stand-alone is going to be difficult to watch.

First up on the chopping block is The Flash. The Flash’s power is very simple: he can run. Fast. And that’s about it. As much as his fans would like to disagree, I just can’t see myself sitting through two hours of Wally West running around, hitting people in a blur, and then throwing a quick one-liner their way. Plus, given that the majority of comic blockbusters have had a strong teenager demographic, DC isn’t going to have Jay Garrick (the bald, middle-aged Flash) as the main character. Batman may have said it to Superman, but the phrase “the last time you inspired somebody was when you were dead” should belong squarely to the men who have carried the banner of The Flash. Barry Allen was the best incarnation of the Flash so far, but is chiefly remembered for his death in the “Crisis on Infinite Earths” maxi-series, which is itself best remembered for ushering in “company-wide crossovers”.

From the Marvel side we have Venom. Venom seems tailor-made for a movie, and I’m sure many comic book aficionados have visions of Erik Larsen’s super-tongued “eat your brains” Venom in their minds when they picture a stand-alone Venom flick. But Venom’s appeal would last about twenty minutes. There’s only so much you can do with a PG-13 rating if your main character keeps spouting off about eating people’s brains and sucking their spleens. Spider-Man: The Animated Series did a very good Venom arc, but even then it was spread out between five episodes and featured cameos from Baron Mordo, Dormammu, Carnage, Iron Man, War Machine, and even Madame Web. Venom is best in short, chaotic burst of badass fighting scenes: the flapping tongue, the drooling, the one-liners about cannibalism. The only thing left to do would be to have a padded backstory of Eddie Brock being “edgy” and “angry at the world”, and we all remember how well-received that was when it happened to Petey Parker in Spider-Man 3.

Rounding out the DC side is perennial whipping-boy Aquaman, but not because of his powers. Aqua-fans (if any still exist) are all-too-eager to point out that Aquaman has above-human strength in and out of the water, and that his “talking to fish” power is actually a form of telepathy that is very powerful, and not limited to fish. I agree with them, actually, but that doesn’t take away the fact that Aquaman has been blasted in the media for so long and in so many different forms of media that practically nobody aside from hardcore Aqua-fans can take him seriously anymore. No matter how many millions you sink into marketing, a majority of people will always consider Aquaman the loser that talks to fish.

Some characters need to stay firmly in the minds that created them, safe and secure in the industry that is their first home: comics, not movies. While some deserve the title of “superzeroes” more than others, these three represent how even popular or well-known characters can (and will) be doomed to failure when attempting to cross over from the printed page to the silver screen.