The Top 5 Weapons for a Zombie Pandemic
No other supernatural apocalypse scenario terrifies me more than a total world zombie crisis. It is the only thing that still gives me nightmares: the feeling of hopelessness against overwhelming odds, the terror of undead masses eating the brains of all your loved ones, and the possibility that you might have to put them down yourself. It’s enough to replace earthquake-preparedness plans with zombie-preparedness plans (I suggest holing up at Costco since it has food, supplies, and forklifts). And of course, the spine of any zombie-preparedness plan is your choice of weapon. Here are my suggestions:
Legend:
KP: Killing Power
SP: Stopping Power
AV: Availability
LM: Level of Maintenance Required (high number means easier to maintain)
LB: Level of Badassery Achieved.
Machete: Not only great for slaughtering teenagers Jason Voorhees-style, the machete is a solid choice for any sized zombie attack. No ammunition is required, and it has a hefty punch with some legitimate killing power. Slice for some neck and decapitate those suckers. Be warned, however: slicing off a human head isn’t as easy as shown in the pictures. Trust me. Be cautious of the blade being jammed into bones or getting lodged in flesh and be prepared by working out your swinging arm. Don’t forget to sharpen the blade often.
KP: 4 SP: 3 AV: 8 LM: 7 LB: 7
Aluminum Baseball Bat: I know what you’re thinking. Bat? Against a zombie? Well, if you’re aiming for survival, the aluminum bat requires little to no maintenance, is lightweight, and contains some potent stopping power. Shaun of the Dead demonstrated how effective a simple blunt object like a wooden cricket bat can be. And everyone knows that Metal>Wood and American>British.
KP: 1 SP: 8 AV: 10 LM: 10 LB: 7
Nuke: Let’s face it: if the world is being taken over by zombies, you’re probably screwed anyway. If you want to go down in the biggest blaze of glory possible while taking down as many undead as possible, you can’t go wrong with a nuke. Good luck finding one and figuring out how to detonate it, though. Bonus badassery points if you ride it from a plane or suicide bomb it.
KP: 10 SP: 10 AV: 1 LM: 5? LB: 5
Remington Model 870 Express Synthetic: I’m not much a gun buff, but after doing some quick research, I was impressed by this model of shotgun. Most specifically its ability to adapt to different situations by changing the barrel to switch from a more precise zombie-head-destroying shot, to a more spread-out zombie-managing shot. Just be sure to stock up on shells.
KP: 8 SP: 8 AV: 4 LM: 7 LB: 9
Lightsaber: Okay sure, they don’t exist in reality, but they’re pretty ideal for a zombie invasion. Easily lob off zombie heads and no sharpening or reloading required. Lastly, you can duel-wield them, which we all know kicks ass. NASA needs to stop bothering with their Mars nonsense and get to developing some of these of these bad boys.
KP: 10 SP: 10 AV: 0 LM: 10 LB: 10
