Spinning A Web of Lies: The Magic of Spin-Offs

We all know characters often define the games that they star in. Similarities have been made between films, TV and video games, what with a star on the front of the box selling the merchandise, studios backing the games, as well as people going crazy for that merchandise and ripping out their pockets as they furiously purchase these items. It’s no surprise that the developers love money and, in turn, try to get as much money out of their franchise as possible. And this results in sequels and spin-offs in so rapid a succession that it would make a bolt of lighting seem slow. But is it a good thing?

TV started the trend by taking a great show and then spinning it so fast that all of the bad parts rip off the original product and form their own being, like blood separating in a centrifuge. You remember All That? From that came KABLAM! and The Amanda Show (what a nightmare!). Some of you may be familiar/in love with Dora the Explorer–well, from her spawned Go, Diego Go!. Saturday Night Live gave us TV Funhouse. All of these examples are terrible for your eyes/brains and should only be watched if you’re trying to exorcise a demon from the depths of your soul. It should come as no surprise that most games suffer the same fate.

The more popular a game’s original series is, the worse the spin-offs become. Something about the speed of which they spin and all the fame that turns their hearts into evil. It’s something I saw on Bill Nye the Science Guy. Mario and Sonic have been the victims of some terrible games, such as Mario’s Missing, which is one of the most boring and drivel-filled games in the land. Can you imagine playing as Luigi (barf) and having to research questions about the world in order to progress? No longer is are jumping or twitch reflexes a factor. Oh, no: knowledge is the key to winning. When I was ten, I had no idea what country is shaped like a boot. The only thing I knew about boots was that my brother would beat me with them, and that had nothing to do with the shape of countries. Nice try, Nintendo.

The King of Spin-Offs?

Sonic, after such hits as Sonic 1, Sonic 2, and Sonic 3, went on to star in Sonic R, Sonic Spinball, Sonic Adventures, Sonic 3D Blast, Sonic Heroes and Sonic Riders. That’s a pretty decent list of spin-offs. You know how many are good and worth their weight in blood diamonds? None. Not one. Those games are better off being melted down and poured into your eyes so you cannot see anything. Ever. Don’t believe me? Check out this option music from Sonic Spinball. You can feel the love of the developer in this game.

Right about now, you’re probably thinking, “Dan, you are a mean person.” I am this way because of the horrible spin-offs of some of my most loved franchises. How about Soul Calibur Legends? Or Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub Zero? Donkey Kong 64? I mean, what the hell were you (the developers) thinking? I believe you could have made more money if you merely threatened us gamers with these ideas and asking for money to not make these terrible games. I would have cashed in everyone of my savings bonds for that.

Sob.

Spin-offs are terrible for everyone they reach. They seep into the integrity of a game character and slowly eat it apart like a tapeworm eating apart your stomach. But we’re smart enough to stay away from games with crazy subtitles and characters in situations where they don’t belong. It’s the poor children that depend on their “family” for games. “Oh, lil’ Philip sure did enjoy that Mega Man 9 game. Perhaps he’ll love Mega Man Battle Network 17: Sage and Thyme as well.” DAMN YOU, CAPCOM!

Spin-offs are like Ol’ Yeller. It’s good idea, when you first hear about it. Your heart is aflutter like a spring butterfly, but in the end, not only is the product destroyed, but your heart is also, metaphorically melted and turned into some sort of syrup for the Devil. Developers, please quit taking our favorite games behind the shed.