“Sorry Mario, but the Princess is in another castle…polishing her AK-47.”

Since Fat Princess’s recent announcement, much has been said regarding the stereotypical princess in games. Feminists generally aren’t receptive to the whole “damsel in distress needing to be saved” persona (especially when it’s paired with uncontrollable binge eating, like it is in Fat Princess). Being a female myself, I see their point here, but unlike them, I don’t believe the answer lies in abolishing characters like this altogether. With the proper makeover, I believe any princess has badass potential.

Princesses have unarguably come a long way over the years. Back in the golden era of games, Princess Peach was getting kidnapped time after time again, but now we see the roles reversed in Super Princess Peach for the Nintendo DS, where she becomes the hero and saves Mario for a nice change of pace. Even Zelda, once helpless at the hands of Ganondorf, is cavorting about in more recent games, cleverly disguised as a sheik and annihilating any baddies in her path with the greatest of ease. Moreover, both of these girls have proven themselves beyond a shadow of a doubt to be fierce warrior princesses in Super Smash Bros., servings as worthy contenders to even the most macho of adversaries.

Nevertheless, Princess Peach is using a freaking umbrella as a weapon in her new game, and unless it’s anything like the Penguin’s umbrella in Batman Returns, that’s a pretty ineffective attack, if you ask me. It’s far too dainty for today’s no holds barred video game universe. Moreover, Zelda, despite occasionally donning her disguises, always reverts back to her traditional flowy princess dress, which is clearly not a conducive outfit for kick-assery. Peach’s dress isn’t much better, despite its parachute-like ability to help her float.

Peach and Zelda’s impaired movement from wearing long dresses aside, we have to examine another factor here: most princesses just don’t look scary. Sure, opponents will be surprised to discover that a chick in a poofy pink dress will Forward Aerial Crown Slap them, consequently not seeing the attack coming and making her more likely to win, but the fight could’ve been avoided altogether had she been wearing an outfit that says, “hey, don’t fuck with me” in the first place.

Your Royal Highnesses, there’s this new fashion trend on the market for women, and it’s called PANTS. Get yourself a pair. They’re awesome. Or, if you’re dead-set on wearing a skirt, wear a shorter one. Not only will it please the men in your life, but it’ll also make running around and kicking things much easier. If you’re modest, wear a pair of leggings with the short skirt. Not only will you be the epitome of fashion this season, but you also won’t have to worry about exposing your hoo-ha. You never know, “exposure” could actually work well as a “stun attack.” It’ll throw your enemies off-guard, as it is very distracting. (“Hoo-ha? OUCH!”)

Furthermore, Peach, put down the umbrella and pick up a damn gun. Tell your pal Daisy to follow suit while you’re at it. She’s just as bad as you are. Get with the times, ladies. And Zelda, maybe they don’t have guns in Hyrule, but magic sometimes isn’t enough; you need a sword with you at all times—even when you’re sleeping. A big one. Bigger than Link’s. So big that he’ll end up questioning his manhood as a result (not that he didn’t have ample reason to do so prior to your huge weapon-wielding).

Artwork by Rob Powell

These simple changes in wardrobe would make a world of difference for princesses everywhere. Even Fat Princess would be more inclined to escape from her captors if she were wearing good old pair of sweatpants instead of that ridiculous blue dress. She’d also become more inspired to do cardio and lose a few extra pounds as some preventative maintenance for future captivity attempts. Besides, always having to be carried around must be super-embarrassing.

See now? We don’t need fewer princesses; we simply need more pants. I’m telling you: they would be the most revolutionary thing in gaming since 64-bit.