Saturday Morning Cartoons: Where Did They All Go?

No matter what your game preference is, most of us have one thing in common: we saw a lot of memorable cartoons in the 80s. Kids growing up these days aren’t as lucky. Gone are the Saturday morning gems we once knew, replaced with boring educational shows that often only succeed in teaching kids to go elsewhere for something mind-numbing if they can’t find it on television.

The FCC are mostly the ones to blame for this travesty, getting huffy about the amount of violence and lack of educational value in cartoons, demanding that stations now show a minimum 3 hours of “quality viewing” for kids, which drastically cut into the Saturday morning “actual quality” cartoon time. I don’t know about you, but I turned out just fine watching ample amounts of the “swill” they’re berating.

The rise in popularity of video game consoles in the late 80s and early 90s also brought about this shift in programming, but inspired some classic shows in the process. Can I get a show of hands for those who remember Captain N: The Game Master? Despite the fact that they made Mega Man a pudgy midget and Simon Belmont a monstrously chinned aviator, it was good times. Super Mario Bros. had multiple cartoons and Legend of Zelda had one as well—all of which made me feel cooler for playing Nintendo.

Embarrassingly enough, despite their dated topical humor and bizarre storylines, I miss these shows, and the gears in my head have been turning for a way to turn yet another one of my favorite games into a cartoon of which the FCC would approve.

Everyone’s cuter and more kid-friendly when they’re wee ones themselves; Tiny Toon Adventures, Baby Looney Tunes, and Muppet Babies have taught us that. And with Bugs Bunny occasionally cross-dressing and The Muppet Show featuring guests like Alice Cooper, the shows with these characters’ “adult” counterparts have had their questionable moments, but make them all babies/toddlers and you can do no wrong.

Thus, I propose a compromise between family-friendly sensibilities and ass-kicking video game characters. Most of you have heard of Babalities and Friendships in the Mortal Kombat series, right? These kinds of Fatalities show us that even though 2D fighters can be ruthless, gore-thirsty killers, they can also be kind of cute.

I present to you (drum roll please) Mortal Kombat Ninja Babies: the future of Saturday morning cartoons. The theme song could be a modified version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme, and the main characters would be all of your Mortal Kombat favorites post-Babality, giving each other “Friendships” in a Muppet Babies-esque nursery. Following in this tradition, Sub-Zero and Scorpion could be the Scooter and Skeeter of the show, while baby Baraka could be the Gonzo, since nobody knows what the hell he is. We could even give him a stuffed baby chick to maul—I mean, play with. Sonya could be a more “fit” version of Miss Piggy and try to win the heart of Johnny Cage/Kermit, turning to chocolate cake any time he rejects her, but fortunately burning all the calories she consumes during her daily 5-mile jog. It would be quality viewing, and teeter-totter between teaching kids both how to play together and how to “finish” bullies on the playground—a heartwarming combination, if you ask me.

My stroke of genius may never be fully appreciated by television execs, but at the very least, I hope that they second-think the current state of Saturday morning entertainment. Thankfully, “kids” of my age bracket have Adult Swim to satiate them, but the younger crowds have sparse viewing to spark their imagination during their time away from school. One can only watch Mighty Morphin Power Rangers so many times without losing one’s sanity, so no matter how you look at it, we need more options.