Fantasy Football Addicts Anonymous

Hello, my name is Matt, and I am addicted to fantasy football. I started using about eight years ago and since then, my problem has only worsened. I, like many, share this addiction, and am here to talk about the signs and symptoms that can help identify those who may be addicts. So put down your newest cheat sheet and listen, these next few paragraphs may save your (social) life.

Denial is, of course, the first sign. You might find yourself explaining that you had to submit a document for work or pay your car payment online to explain your repeated absences at those wonderful Sunday family dinners. There are a few other tell-tale signs that you are addicted.

If you have live scoring updates constantly streaming to your handheld, you might want to get a grip on reality. Does anybody really need to know that Tom Brady threw his 12th touchdown of the first half against the Dolphins while they drive their family of four to Chuck-E-Cheese on Sunday? First off, driving while checking your handheld is terribly unsafe. And let your family enjoy Chuck-E-Cheese, it’s the only place a kid can be a kid.

If you’re a serious addict, you might be what we in the field call a “Triple W.” Triple W’s, short for Waiver Wire Watchers, tend to spend 90-96% of their time on their league homepage waiting to pick up this year’s Earnest Graham. They watch each game with their laptops ready, and pray to the fantasy gods that each team’s starters will be injured so they can make the “smart” pickup. If you make upwards of 250 roster adjustments each season, you may be a Triple W.

One of the last, and most dire, symptoms of fantasy football addiction is fantasy draft association. These poor souls experience a yearning to do everything from ordering food at a restaurant to choosing their life insurance, done in draft format. Be careful when you need to make any sort of selection near one, because if it isn’t done within two minutes, they’re likely to make a scene about your indecisiveness.

If you are currently suffering from any of these symptoms, you are most likely your leagues champion. Sadly, you probably also have no social life, so if you wish to become a part of the real world again, help is only a few steps away. All you need to do is back away from the computer and turn off the TV.