Rekooparation: Why the Koopalings Need a Komeback

With Wario shaking things up on the Wii now, bad guys aren’t exactly what they used to be. As antagonists become protagonists in this crazy backwards world, I can’t help but wonder what other villains deserve a “promotion.” I figured that, since every other Mario character seems to be starring in their own game these days, why not shine the spotlight on some less played-out characters of the series—namely, the underestimated heirs of Bowser: the one and only Koopalings?

It would be easy to say that Bowser should be the next baddie to step up to bat, but that’s too obvious. And why focus all of you attention on one, clodhoppy turtle on steroids when you can have seven smaller ones? Moreover, Bowser has already had his share of bit parts in all of the Mario spin-offs: he’s been a Smash Bro, driven go-karts clearly undersized for his girthy frame, and played every sport this side of the Mushroom Kingdom. Give the little guys a chance!

Besides, Bowser tends to be portrayed with only one personality in his games: “grr.” That’s not to say that there isn’t a deeper side to Bowser that Nintendo hasn’t fully realized yet, but they tend to make him appear fairly one-dimensional. Sure, his Koopalings can be “grr” too, but they’ve also been portrayed as crazy like Lemmy, sultry like Wendy, or nerdy like Ludwig. How perfect would it be to have this kind of variety in an RPG, 2D fighter, or platformer? They’d be chameleons to any genre you’d throw at them! (Actually, I’ve often postulated that they might be mutated chameleons anyway, so I mean that both literally and figuratively.)

Moreover, did you know that the Koopalings are musically inclined? All seven of them were named after famous musicians, ranging from Roy Orbison to Iggy Pop, making these rascally reptiles shoe-ins for a music game. I personally would prefer to see a Koopa sing Bon Jovi than some lanky CG rocker dude any day. To be honest, I’d prefer it even more if NOBODY sang Bon Jovi, but a Koopa will do.

In case you haven’t noticed, the Koopalings also have some rad fashion sense, and this is reason alone to make them eye candy for a game. Rarely does a family have so many kids that likely flock to Hot Topic in the same manner a normal family would attend the zoo. Heck, these kids practically are the zoo, with their Technicolor hair, mohawks, and studded bracelets. Sure, they’re a bit “lacking” in the midsection, but what non-human Mario character isn’t? Much has been said regarding in-game advertising and finding appropriate brands for appropriate titles these days, and I think I’ve found a match made in heaven right here. Listen up, Hot Topic! Make these kids your mascots!

I am certain these spiky-shelled spawn will one day have their 15 minutes of fame. They’re simply too much fun to remain supporting cast members for the rest of their young lives. And when they do, in fact, end up on the cover of their own game, whatever genre it may be, don’t forget to say I told you so.