Reality Bytes: Our Favorite Characters on Trash TV

Any time you channel surf, chances are you’ll run across a reality show. They’ve pretty much massacred any attempts at originality on television, but simultaneously proven that truth really is stranger than fiction. These shameless train wrecks of shows have won over many gawkers, but both friends and foes of this phenomenon find joy in ripping them to shreds.

With the stronghold reality shows have on popular culture, they practically scream for parodies, and Comedy Central was one of the first stations to catch on. Drawn Together depicted a house-full of cartoon characters living together in disharmony, unabashedly parodying MTV’s Real World. The show gained a great deal of popularity over its three seasons, making me wonder: what kind of reality show parodies could take place in the video game world? Considering MTV and VH1’s current roster of shows, there’s a plethora of fuel for the fire in our midst.

The most obvious parody (which would ultimately end up being a parody of a parody) would be 7 video game characters living in the house together and the hilarity that ensues. Much like VH1’s Surreal Life, I would choose some of the most bizarre, slightly washed-up characters for this scenario. Place one of the Bad Dudes in the house for overwhelming machismo factor, Kid Icarus for some charming gayness, Mother Brain (but ONLY if she had the same sassy black woman voice that she did in Captain N) for some ethnic flair, Toadette for the obligatory naïve girl, Razor from Maniac Mansion for the obligatory “wild girl,” Q*Bert for his explosive, obscenity-flinging temper, and the dog from Duck Hunt to laugh at all of the drama that unfolds, and you have yourself a guaranteed hit.

In early 2008, the Tila Tequila-rejected Dominico scored his own reality show on MTV entitled That’s Amore!, in hopes that he would find the next bisexual party girl to bring home to mom. I propose a That’s Amore! sequel, but instead of Dominco this time, let’s give another Italian stallion a chance. Yes, I’m talking about the one and only Luigi. Let’s face it: Mario gets all the play, and there’s no way his bro can be too happy about it. He deserves his own dating show, where he can feel like a pimp for at least a month before Mario steals the limelight again. The mental image of Luigi in a hot tub with a bunch of hussies burns a little, but it would be classic television nonetheless.

New York, Flavor Flav reject and star of the hit VH1 dating show I Love New York, has recently made a comeback with yet another reality show, New York Goes to Hollywood. Why is her becoming an actress such a novel concept when it’s all she’s been doing the last 3 years on air? Considering her loud-mouthed, confrontational persona, I’d much rather see her trying to survive in a GTA world. New York Goes to Vice City: now THAT would be entertaining.

Delving into the more respectable realm of reality shows that require actual talent, America’s Best Dance Crew could easily become America’s Best Dance Dance Revolution Crew. Find some of the craziest DDR players, deck them out in break dancing gear, and put them in front Mario Lopez and Lil’ Mama. Or, alternately, place real ABDC dancers on the DDR pad and see how mad their skillz are when put to the ultimate test of dorkery. I bet the JabbaWockeeZ wouldn’t seem so smooth after “Paranoia Survivor Max.” They’ll have to perpetually wear their masks in shame from that moment onward.

Reality shows, as I see it, are a necessary evil. These mind-numbing shows remind us all that our lives could, in fact, be more pathetic. Similarly, video games comfort us by saying, “Hey, maybe you got dumped by your girlfriend, but at least you’re not being chased by giant hot dogs.” This is why the twain should meet. It will probably never happen, but if it did, it would be one big, happy “your life doesn’t suck so much after all”-fest, which we all need sometimes.