October = Halloween = Acceptable Cosplay

I grew up a little on the strict side. Let’s just say that normal teen concerns about getting caught smoking behind the playground or a kid worried he’ll get caught swiping an extra cookie were equivalent to murder. And since Halloween is a “pagan” holiday, every year on that day I stayed home from school because it might influence me to enjoy the blasphemous festivities. Needles to say, it’s now my favorite holiday. But whether out of tradition or sheer laziness, I–after all these years–have yet to dress up in costume for Halloween. I’m thinking this year will be different. Being a gamer, I want to be a classic game character. So, whom should I dress up as?

The cool thing about Halloween is any girl can get away with dressing like a $2 hooker, and any guy can dress like his favorite video game character… and people won’t judge you as entirely ridiculous. Do it a month earlier and you’re a nut-job.

The most classic and easiest character to dress up as would be Mario.  All I need is some denim bibs, a bright red shirt, and a red Scottish golf cap. Throw in some white gloves for good measure, and I’d be an unmistakable icon. I could slap the letter “M” on my shirt just to drive the point home a bit further.

The problem is that this has already been done by Ron Jeremy: the freakiest person that never should have. The first time I saw him dressed up as Mario, it scarred my eyes permanently. That has to be the scariest costume I have ever seen. A childhood memory and a gross, old male porn star? I’m surprised the universe hasn’t imploded.

I always had a crush on Saria.

So, I’m not going to deliberately choose Mario. It’s just too weird. But Link, on the other hand, has not been defiled by greasy male porn stars! Rather, he’s contracted a bad case of LARP. Nothing in the world ruins a good quality fantasy tale than overzealous fans that don’t want the story to end, so they bring it out into the real world, hoping to make the dream live forever. Bastards. I’ll never be able to enjoy Ocarina of Time the same way again.

So, at the risk of looking like I’ll never get laid again, I think I’ll be skipping Link. I need someone badass, with a huge, phallic weapon. Biggest game weapons ever? Final Fantasy. Those swords defy physics and gravity. I want one. Only problem is, the guys that carry them look more like women than men. Vaan, for example: slap some lipstick and boobs on him, and I’d have a prom date. And if I’m dodging Link so I can get a girl sometime before I die, I probably shouldn’t dress up as a tranny.

It looks like I’m still lost…  (Samus? Girl.)  What should I be for Halloween?…  (Mega Man? I’ve never looked good in blue.) Tell you what… (Abe from Oddworld? Ya know, I kinda look like him.) if I get enough votes in the comments for a certain costume… (Sonic? Again with the blue.) I’ll dress up as that character and put the pictures of the fiasco on GotGame.  Just remember: you will have to look at me.  I can avoid mirrors.  (Master Chief: I could never take off my helmet. Though if I could find a Cortana…)

"I'm afraid that I just blue myself."