Ninja Vanish! Ten Ninjas With Embarrassing Stories
Ninjas evoke images of stealthy and agile assassins who kill in the shadows. Hired out to perform secret assassinations, fight Ninja Turtles, or bounce around with gravity-defying chest plates, ninjas function in all sections of society and, inadvertently, time periods. Of course, ninjas also have an increased amount of shame when it comes to the video game realm.
The scale is simple — 1 to 100, higher the number, higher the embarassment.
Taki used to be one of my favorite random characters to play; but as the focus became more about her increasingly, bouncy bustline, my friends would rather tell me to jump around and not fight as the counter ticked away. Seriously, as a ninja, wearing painted on spandex does not make her disappear in the shadows. Rather, it’s like painting a bullseye on a jumbo jet, aim somewhere close to it and you’ll probably hit something. Taki would be better off wearing a burlap bag and hiding in the streets than trying to assassinate anyone.
Embarrassment Level: 400 - Nothing wrong with staying inside the box and actually dressing in the standard issue ninja suit.
He jumps in the air and hits people in the stomach with the top of his head. What kind of style or technique is this other than looking and acting like a jackass? A nice comparison is someone holding the door for you, closing it when you’re two steps away, and then turning around and mooning you through the glass. Seriously, Kage-Maru is one of the better characters in Virtua Fighter, and all his moves look and function awesome too, except for that air-butt.
Embarrassment Level: 324 - Act like a ninja and only use ninja techniques. Otherwise, paint yourself like a rodeo clown and air-butt a bull.
There’s something wrong with wearing a sack with the sides cut out, which highlights the lack of formal underwear. The fighting style is really in the hands of the player involved, but in my hands Ibuki looks like a drunk sorority girl who lost a bet. In the list of characters for the Street Fighter series as well, she doesn’t stand out enough to be important. Possibly there are gamers who think she has a deep combat system or is strong against other characters, but as she is to me, she is pointless.
Embarrassment Level: 275 - Might as well be a one color, four move character
In the comics, Oroku Saki only played a small role until he came back in a mini-series highlighting his return because of worms that rebuilt his body after he was struck off a building by Donatello’s staff (got that?). In the games, he became this whipping boy who could never really make a concrete plan to utterly destroy the Turtles. He had the Foot Clan, who if trained better could easily overcome the Turtles not just by sheer numbers, but strategic assaults. The addition of more and more curved blades on his costume made him look like a blender on steroids. There would be a simple solution for Shredder - smarter costume, smarter tactics, and lose the helmet.
Embarrassment Level: 200 - He keeps losing to Turtles.
He acts like a ninja, moves like a ninja, and is actually a ninja during the Sengoku period. His problem? He’s the lackey of a warlord who doesn’t know how to properly utilize his abilities. Ninjas have no place fighting on the battlefield. He shouldn’t be running into fields killing other no-name lackeys. Granted, a ninja follows his lord’s instructions, but sometimes you have to speak up about things. The Hattori name is famous in numerous characters and stories, but the Hattori in Samurai Warriors needs a swift kick in the ass. You serve your lord, but only when it indirectly furthers your own goals.
Embarrassment Level: 175 - Corporate Drone
Revenge is great; you feel accomplished when the demon you’re hunting is killed by your own hand. Hayabusa is a ninja in the fiercest form. The only issue he has is that, for all his ability he can’t kill anything in one hit and has to dance while fighting. The fighting styles that Hayabusa knows are amazing and strong, able to eventually dismember anything that comes in his way. But since he’s such a badass ninja, why can’t he kill something in one slash? Is he so sadistic that he enjoys prolonging the end for his enemies? Or does he hide his inability to kill quickly by jumping like a rabbit on speed?
Embarrassment Level: 147 - One hit, one kill. Take the creed of a sniper and the long days he puts in will be cut down substantially.
One of the coolest ninja characters that has emerged from the video game arena, he has only been gimped in recent games by his lack of prominent status. When Mortal Kombat released the seven hundred ninja color variations, they forgot to include the dead skeleton ninja. His dirk and rope has some of the greatest potential for usage, but his “Get over here!” battle cry could be varied, even by a little bit. He can teleport, but only behind you. With a set of moves like that, Scorpion should be looking beyond a simple skill set and start using fireballs or pulling the souls out of people.
Embarrassment Level: 130 - Get over your revenge and take over the world
She fought to protect her child. A noble cause and one that no one would fault her for. But from her predecessor Cyborg Ninja, Gray Fox, she is like an inbred member of the Cyborg Ninja family. Nothing is cooler than cyborgs or ninjas, and when you put them together with optical camouflage, how can you lose? In Olga, the bar was dropped so low that Raiden actually was cool in Metal Gear Solid 4 in comparison. And that is just sad.
Embarrassment Level: 115 - She died for her child, now Sunny needs to take the mantle and restore some honor to the Gurlukovich family.
He’s a ninja in the purest form, unlike Hattori who acted like a jackass by prominently displaying himself in public. Rikimaru needs to not die by falling debris and actually become the ninja supreme. He should have been the sequels that followed Tenchu: Stealth Assassins and the problems with those games fall on one main problem: no Rikimaru. Though his lack of dying in combat lends him his embarrassment.
Embarrassment Level: 100 - Rocks don’t equal honor
He’s a ninja from the future. While his early encounters with the days of future past were excellent, when he entered the realm of Marvel Vs. Capcom he became the ninja of the universe. There is nothing that can counter his Spider-Man-like agility, the zing of his sword as it cut through enemies, and his costume, which is functional in the world he lived in. Strider is the best ninja, and he only has one embarrassment against him.
Embarrassment Level: 1 - He needs another game.
There you have a list of ten ninjas all who carry some sort of burden of embarrassment. Many of these issues could be solved very quickly with the right moves, but in some aspects they play secondary characters in their respective titles. Honestly, why not have a Ninja vs. Ninja game that wasn’t so involved with history or dumb ideas. Ninjas will always have their natural enemy, the Pirate, to deal with, they don’t need to be brought down by themselves.
Tags: Metal Gear Solid, ninja, Ninja Gaiden, Street Fighter, Tenchu
Nice collection of ninjas, however embarrassing they might be haha.
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You know, even though I consider Hayabusa to be the ultimate ninja badass, I never thought of that crucial quick-kill trait all ninjas supposedly possess! At least the NES games at least got it right.
Great article. I’d have been hard-pressed to recall so many ninjas.
If a ninja is going to kill me, I want it quick. Not some 15 hit combo.
Glad to see someone else is mourning the noticeable lack of Rikimaru in the “Tenchu” sequels.