Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.

The nurse said to the doctor, “There’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”

The doctor replied, “Tell him I can’t see him now.”

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

How do you keep a Jackass in suspense?

I’ll let you know tomorrow!

Someone’s wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?”

“Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, “Save the women!”

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, “Screw the women!”

Bill Clinton’s asks excitedly, “Do we have time?”

There is this black kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the black kids. So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. Hey dad look I’m white! His dad kicks his ass, and says alright go show your mother.

Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the shit out of him then says go show your grandma.

Hey grandma look I’m white! He beats his ass and sends him to his room.

About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this? The kid says yeah I’ve learned i have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 niggers.

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t Have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’ He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry - just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t ! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!’

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy - I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.