Downloadable Content: Past, Present and Future

65 Million B.C. Earth downloaded a large comet. This new content added features like mass extinction, no sunlight, and fiery mess. The bugs were not quite worked out.

44 B.C. Julius Caesar downloads the Ides of March pack, which brought a knife into his back, betrayal, political unrest, and power struggle.

1 A.D. Mary downloads a messiah to her womb. It provided much faith and controversy. Contained first DRM that allowed re-download after deletion.

1347 A.D. Europe downloaded a new difficulty level for their living simulation called Black Death. It increased the difficulty to breathe, poisoned blood, caused bloody vomiting and terrible aching limbs. Players found the add-on extremely unbalanced and many could not cut the mustard.

1466 A.D. Leonardo da Vinci downloaded an exclusive behind-the-scenes creator documentary. In the package were many sketches of objects that the creator had not gotten around to making (helicopter, steam cannon, musical instruments and a reversible crank), as well as in-depth sketches of the human anatomy.

1492 A.D. With the help of Christopher Columbus, the indigenous Americans were able to download blankets covered in smallpox. Probably not the best DLC.

1764 A.D. Britain downloads an update that allows for remote taxation. This gave Britain the ability to queue up taxes from over seas and administer taxes from afar. The colonies then “Download” tea into the harbor.

1940 A.D. France downloads new “coward abilities” which instills them with a special trait that allows them to never fight efficiently and lose a battle at a rate that has never been matched.

1960 A.D. Hippie expansion is released in the United States. With this update, acoustic guitar playing was added to the skill tree, Flower Power was introduced, LSD ran rampant, and the Wood Stock and Summer of Love maps were now playable.

1989 A.D. Berlin delivers on long speculation and destroys the wall keeping people out of extra content. In the expansion content, Germans were treated to new museums, a new storyline uniting lost lovers, and freedom.

1996 A.D. Team Fortress is released as a download for Quake that adds character classes that enhance team play and strategy. MEDIC!

1999 A.D. PC Crowd celebrated DLC by releasing the Counter-Strike mod for Half-Life and receives 10,000 downloads in the first day. Console gamers have no idea this is going on.

2000 A.D. Sega Dreamcast begins offering downloadable content for games. Gamers are confused but their fears being to wane when the system’s servers are closed down and unsupported before download can be completed. Too soon?

2002 A.D. Microsoft comes along to do things the right way. They introduce Xbox LIVE to the masses and online gaming is finally done right on consoles. Not only that, but map packs, new weapons, and games are available to download on a hard drive in the system. No one would look back.

2006 A.D. Bethesda releases DLC for Oblivion in the form of armor. For a horse. That improves no stats and costs $2.50. Users suspect DLC may be corrupted by greedy business men.

2007 A.D. PlayStation Network bursts onto the scene and offers Warhawk, a full multiplayer game, available for download.

2008 A.D. While the 360 offers videos and small games available for download, PSN takes the next logical step and begins offering full games. Burnout Paradise, SOCOM, and NFL Head Coach all arrive on the PSN ready for immediate download. Also in DLC news, first-party PSP games are being offered for download. Nintendo also announces a store for the DS that will allow DS games to be downloaded to the system. Did I fall asleep and awake in 2020? Are all of my friends now cyborgs?

2012 A.D. Games are no longer released in the brick and mortar marketplace, and consoles have disc drives only for the sake of backwards compatibility. GameStop CEO, Dan DeMatteo, is revoked of his soothsayer position.

2015 A.D. Unable to trade in games, GameStop begins serving ice cream and selling used cars to soften profit losses.

2020 A.D. Games are downloaded to brains of children, dogs, adults and birds.

2034 A.D. Dreamcast is invented and sent back in time to warn the humans of upcoming robot rebellion. It fails as a warning tool due to its amazing gaming capabilities.

2057 A.D. Robots rebel, and soon humans and cyborgs alike are bowing down to King Tommy Toaster. Virtual Console releases this week include Super Mario Retires and Becomes an Actual Plumber, Custard’s Revenge, and Link and the Charges of Breaking and Entering.