MMO Mount Wish List: Now With Less Unicorn

I’m not much of an experienced World of Warcraft player since I only logged a 10-week trial. And in the short time that I did play, only one thing motivated me: getting a sweet thing to ride. WoW features plenty of impressive rides that players can use and abuse, but I feel like Blizzard could use some fresh rideables in order to keep things interesting. Here are some ideas.

Tortoise: The purpose of a mount is obviously to rapidly get to the next destination. What about those of us that take a more relaxed approach to life? I’m more of a slow and steady kind of guy, so my mount should be the same. All of those corporate fat cats who run around with their griffins and horses are rushing through life without stopping to smell the Dreaming Glory. I’d like to sit back and cruise on a leisurely joyride while enjoying the scenery once in awhile. Bonus points if the turtles have wheels.

Kodiak Bear: Two things influence this choice. The first is the awesomeness that is this picture. The second is this riveting testimonial from Anthony Gallegos. After these two hearty pieces of evidence, I don’t know how you couldn’t be sold. I suggest you Google image search kodiak bears. Anthony is right. Those things are huge-o. His claims about their fighting capabilities against a pride of lions is still TBD.

Donkey: Sancho Panza was on to something. Maybe not so much the being a sidekick to a windmill charger, but his choice of ride has promise. Horses are so mainstream. No one has donkeys. Plus, they should be cheaper and have no level requirement. They could be the mount world’s equivalent of a Goodwill. Hip and affordable. My kind of mount. As long as you ignore the obnoxious bawwing (hey, if you’re on the internet you should have a high tolerance for this already), constant defecating and sporadic bucking, you should be fine.

Sand Worm: I don’t know what it is about Sandworms, but I’m a fan of pretty much everything that features them. Beetlejuice, Dune, Star Wars, Shadow of the Colossus. They’re just so huge and menacing. How could you not want to ride one? Marketing Intern Jeff, a big fan of Dune, weighs in further on the issue (caution all caps and profanity ahead):

“They are fucking HUGE
and they make SPICE
and then EAT TANKS
and fremes can RIDE them
and they have SHARP teeth that the Fremen use for KNIVES
they have thick skin ARMOR
and they EAT TANKS.”

Ready for some raiding

Yoshi: If Nintendo ever had allowed this crossover to happen I would be all over it. This guy would be the most devoted mount ever. Yoshi stomps, swallows, gives birth to your enemies and is even willing to sacrifice his own children for use as projectiles. All this despite Mario’s signal to lick something is punching Yoshi in the eye. Hasn’t this guy heard of “giddyup”? Even with the abuse, Yoshi is willing to sacrifice himself for you. Talk about loyalty. I won’t even mention the fact that he’s adorable.

Uh oh. Domo-kun aggroed a snake.

Domo-kun: The only bi-pedal entry on this list, obviously you would have to ride Domo-kun piggyback style. The mental image alone was enough to sell me on this idea. If you’re not won over yet, consider the following:

• Domo-kun kicks ass.
• He’s super fierce.
• Everybody loves him.
• They sell him at Target.

That oughta convince you, unless you’re a gigantic tool. But even if you’re the biggest tool in existence, riding around on a Domo-kun mount is sure to make you king of the castle. I really feel no need to justify this further. Just look at him for 10 seconds and you’ll agree with me.

Epic.

Bull: I think the fact that such things as mechanical bulls and bull riding competitions exist shows that everyone wants to ride these things. But why risk severe spinal injury on a real bull when you could simply trot around on their digital brethren? The beefiest bulls aren’t just good eats, they’re good mounts. Cool horns, power and a willingness to charge any Red Sox fans (haha, suck it, losers). Plus if you’re alliance, it’ll piss off all the taurens.