Fuck, Marry, Kill - Zoey, Niko, and the Prince

There are many games friends will play together – sports, video games, and even board games. One that’s always proven to be hilarious is Fuck, Marry, Kill. The basic premise is three choices are given, the person playing has to choose one for each category and give their reasons. In the spirit of video games, I’m going to play.

The three characters chosen are: Niko Bellic (Grand Theft Auto 4), The Prince (Prince of Persia 4), and Zoey (Left 4 Dead). Yes, I am male and two characters are also male, but that is the purpose of the game – difficult choices.

The game is afoot.

Marry

Hot: strictly in a sociological sense

I would marry Zoey. This is not a case about her being a woman and me being a guy. This is all about Zoey being a survivor. Honestly, if she can survive a zombie holocaust, then I can deal with doing the dishes or laundry. The simple fact that she can shoot a gun better, heal me, and generally keep her head during apocalyptic situations lets me know that when I’m screaming like a little girl in a corner when hordes of zombies or other undead creatures are chasing us, she’ll be there to back me up and protect my inexperienced ass.

Her athletic nature would also require I get out of my lazy gamer ways and exercise, just in preparation of running a mile with a forty-pound backpack, shotgun, and 9mm pistol duct taped to my thigh all in a sprint. With her assistance, I’d be in the best shape of my life, not for health reasons, but the ability to escape dangerous situations like a squirrel running across the street during rush hour.

Kill

Niko Bellic is a criminal. While he is not truly an evil person, and situations require him to use deadly means, Bellic deserves capital punishment. Just look how he drives, mounting curbs and traversing pedestrian and even prior to that, he either car-jacks an innocent civilian or breaks a window to hot-wire a car for quick getaway. It isn’t like he is an undercover cop, delving into the criminal underworld to eventually help prosecute a crime lord, he’s doing whatever he’s told – like a simple animal that thrives on positive reinforcement.

Right before I shot him in the face

He also dresses like a circus clown with tracksuits and fugly jeans. His stamina is horrible, barely able to run a mile before he’s coughing out his lungs. If you can’t run from the police fueled by adrenaline and fear, then what use are you to the criminal world? Bellic should have taken lessons from Nicholas Kang Wilson and become a detriment to crime rather than be persuaded by his idiot cousin, Roman. His relation to Roman by itself warrants his death by duct tape in the trunk of a car off any pier in Liberty City. If there’s one idiot in the family, chances are the genes for stupidity are in someone else too.

Fuck

The Prince is a handsome man. Athletic and limber, he has gymnastic abilities a gold medalist would envy. Granted his claw on his left hand would prove to be a little dangerous in the sack, but one should keep an open mind. Speaking from a feminine perspective, he’s headstrong, lazy but responsible, and is about teamwork. Of course, it would take a incredibly large amount of alcohol for me to go home with him, but given the choices he is the pick.

He's a pretty man

When I think about it, he would probably spend more time bouncing around the walls, scraping scars into the drywall than cuddling, but when you’ve saved the world, some leeway has to be given. If this were to be my first foray into male-male relationships, I would at least want it to follow some yaoi storyline. At least there is some romance involved with those before the eventual love scene. But alcohol would still have to be involved throughout.

Fuck, Marry, Kill. Play this with your friends, and horribly berate them when they choose their picks. It’s all about degradation and making your friends feel like a horse’s ass for the choices they have to make. It’s like playing online and hearing a twelve year old call you out. Use derogatory words and besmirch their pride. It’ll feel good until it’s your turn.