Mario vs. Luigi: Cage Match

Imagine, if you will, two plumbers who happen to be brothers. For whatever reason, these particular plumbers don’t spend a whole lot of time plumbing. Instead, they’re far more likely to be found jumping, often on top of bad guys, with the ultimate goal of saving a princess from a giant evil turtle. While a far-fetched tale at best in any other forum (or, at least, a horrendous feature film), this story is one of the oldest and most beloved of all video games.

However, let’s say hypothetically that our aforementioned evil turtle captures these brothers and tosses them in a steel cage, straight-up Thunderdome style: two plumbers enter, one plumber leaves. When pitted mano-a-mano, mustache-a-mustache, who comes out on top?

Round One: FIGHT!

Wait, you cry! The obvious, heroic solution would be to work together and find a way to bust out, topple the turtle, and rescue the princess.

But we’re not here to be heroic.

Upon realizing they have no other means of escape, the brothers lock eyes across the cage. Mario, portly as ever, strides confidently towards his lanky opponent. Surely he’s destined for victory; after all, he’s the star! Nintendo’s been riding his coattails for years now. Luigi’s just a sidekick, second fiddle, invisible unless that second controller is plugged in. Oh sure, Luigi had a starring vehicle once, thrust into a mansion with a vacuum cleaner and some ghosts. But we all know it sucked (no pun intended). And therein lies the rub.

Luigi, seeing his boastful brother, seethes across the cage. He’s painfully aware of how long he’s dwelt in Mario’s shadow, fists clenched in anger, knuckles as white as the gloves that conceal them. Too long has he been the goofy sidekick. Too long has he watched his brother collecting golden stars, or shooting water out of a backpack for no reason, or exploring space. Too long has he been delegated to party gaming, go-kart racing, or smash brother-ing. For 25 years, Luigi has waited. And in Bowser’s DeathCage (patent pending), a quarter-century of pent-up anger is unleashed.

It’s over almost before it begins. Mario’s overconfidence ensured that he never saw his viridian fate coming. Even Bowser is taken aback by the unabashed fury of Luigi’s wrath unleashed. The princess vomits and faints, not necessarily in that order. True to the creed of the cage, one plumber left that day, a plumber clad in envious green that would be forever scarred by his actions.

He was never seen again.