I Wanna Be Like Mario: Plumber Powers That Make Life Easier

Almost every hero we adored during childhood had some special ability that we all wish we could have: Superman has flight; Spider-Man has grappling webs; Batman has…well, enough money to buy flight and grappling devices. But one hero had more abilities than any of those from the realms of comic books, and he was just some Italian plumber with a mustache. I’m talking about Mario, of course.

In the years since his 1981 debut in Donkey Kong, Mario has amassed dozens of abilities to blast defenseless goombas with. But outside of the Mushroom Kingdom, us mere mortals (even the Italian ones) drudge through life without the pleasure of changing form every time we touch a flower or fungus. But we can dream, right? Here are some of Super Mario’s powers that would certainly make life in this place we call “Earth” a little more interesting:

Starman Invincibility

Let’s face it: we humans are virtually defenseless against physical attacks—biting sarcasm only gives offers so much time when someone/something is trying to rip you to shreds. A starman would quickly shield our defenseless meatbag bodies from every external nuisance, be it bullets or the meandering turtle. Just be sure not to wander into the occasional pit of death, as the starman’s powers are short lived and don’t offer protection from our own stupidity.

Frog Suit

On land, humans are fairly adequate when it comes to getting around, but all of our gilled and amphibious friends snicker whenever we doggy paddle around the pool (the cosmopolitan sailfish can go up to 68 mph—top that, Michael Phelps). The frog suit would allow us to blaze through the water with grace and agility, not to mention allowing us to breathe underwater. Of course, I’m sure the military would quickly snatch this up. Wouldn’t the Navy Seals look tough in frog attire?

Mushrooms

A staple of the Mario series and a favorite of English majors everywhere, Mario’s mushrooms would make even the biggest problems insignificant next to your massive girth. Insecure about your size? How does the size of a house sound? Of course, if anyone touches you, you immediately return to your pre-substance-abuse size, but at least you experienced the life of a big person for a few brief moments.

Tanooki Suit

The ultimate double-whammy, the tanooki suit would give us not only the ever-so-sought-after power of flight, but of invisibility, as well. Think of the possibilities: flying over traffic jams, disappearing completely when you run into that person you don’t like, crime sprees. Anything would be possible. The world could be yours with this goofy-looking suit—not that I’m encouraging you to do anything immoral…