Hero Worship: How To Emulate Your Favorite Character

Football fanatics whoop and scream with every yard their team advances. Aspiring gymnasts breathlessly watch the mind- and joint-bending contortionism of Olympic athletes. And deep down, every drug-addled journalism student secretly wants to be Hunter S. Thompson.

When it comes to hero worship, gamers are no different. We all have that one character whose feats of perpetual bad-assery constantly astound us. But, mimicking the mad skills of your favorite video game character is pretty tough. I mean, I want to be Ryu as much as the next guy (chicks dig Ultra Combos), but c’mon… not even the best martial artist in the world can spin-kick so fast he levitates.

That’s why I’ve put together this comprehensive guide on following in your favorite character’s footsteps. It’s got all the glory and danger of the “video game lifestyle” with half the risk of bodily harm!

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Section #1: Solid Snake

What He Does: Flawlessly infiltrates military complex after military complex, eluding crack teams of deadly soldiers and state-of-the-art surveillance equipment.

How You Can Be Like Him: Let’s face it… most of us aren’t coordinated enough to sneak past armed guards. But, take a minute to consider the traits of Snake’s supposedly savvy adversaries:

• Have difficulty differentiating between a uniformed ally and someone who wants to break their neck, steal their possessions, and cram their body into a locker when the person in question is more than 20 feet away.
• Fall asleep for no reason.
• Fly into a flurry of activity when something startles them, then forget what they’re doing after about 60 seconds.

With that information in mind, I propose a challenge that perfectly captures the essence of one of Snake’s sneaking missions.

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Section #2: Kirby

What He Does: Consumes all foes in his path, inheriting their special abilities as they descend into the depths of his insatiable maw. Also, certain types of candy make him invincible for some reason.

How You Can Be Like Him: You probably don’t think you can be anything like Kirby. After all, he’s not even human. But it’s far easier to get in touch with your inner little pink whatever-the-hell-he-is than you think:

• Eat half a dozen frozen Mallomars.
• Watch as your gut jiggles to-and-fro.
• It’s like you ARE a Mallomar!
• Feel ashamed.
• Eat a dozen more.
• Feel invigorated, perhaps indestructible!
• Optional: Realize it’s just a combination of a sugar rush and the cold, unforgiving grip of a diabetic coma shutting down your central nervous system.

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Section #3: Blanka

What He Does: Turns his body into a deadly electrical conductor at will.

How You Can Be Like Him: Turn your body into a deadly electrical conductor.

(One time only.)

Pick any of these attractive options:

• Prove to your friends that a “High Voltage” sign is “just for show.”
• Use a pair of jumper cables and a car battery to determine if your nipples are positively or negatively charged.
• Perform the world’s first underwater, Nikola-Tesla-themed musical.
• See what a light bulb socket tastes like.
• Cover yourself in copper wire and run screaming at a cop who’s armed with a Taser.

You’ll be shocked at how much fun you have! (And also dead.)

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Section #4: Sly Cooper

What He Does: Triumphs over bands of thieves with equal parts stealth, cunning, and agility. Doesn’t wear pants.

How You Can Be Like Him: We’ve already covered what you need to simulate a sneaking mission in Snake’s section. However, try changing things up a little by adding in these fun techniques:

• Take off pants.
• Practice doing back-flips.
• Realize you can’t do a back-flip to save your life.
• Settle for arching your back, throwing your hands behind you, and making a “Whoosh!” sound with your mouth.
• Register as a sex offender

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Section #5: Slippy Toad

What He Does: Not a goddamned thing. He literally gets shot down by everything. Enemies fresh out of flight school. Low-hanging power lines. Trees. The adorable kittens sometimes trapped in said trees. Oxygen.

How You Can Be Like Him: First off, you don’t want to be like Slippy. I just put him in here as a “gimme,” in case someone wasn’t able to follow the instructions from any of the first four sections. As a matter of fact, if that last sentence applies to you, you’re already well on your way to being just like everyone’s (least) favorite amphibious pilot!

Here’s a complete list of what you need to do:

• Completely suck at everything… ever.
• Continue sucking.
• Have you bent down to tie your shoe, only to roll down the stairs, somersault out the open door and into oncoming traffic, which inexplicably consists of an ammonia tanker, a fireworks truck, and a semi transporting an unstable nuclear warhead?
• No?
• Then you’re not sucking hard enough.
• God, I hate you so much, Slippy.

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I hope you can put at least one of these helpful sections to good use! If not, then that means I’ve utterly failed you.

Which is something Slippy would do.

Please, please, please do not make me like Slippy. It just ain’t right…