Happy Thoughts for an Internet of Assholes

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the internet is full of assholes. Yes, the world at large is full of assholes too, but the internet distills humanity down to its most prick-ish essence. Every time you read a blog, the writer tries to be an asshole. If there is a comments section, the commenters try to out-asshole the writer and each other. Well, I want to take a moment to reflect on the small things in games that make me happy rather than just trying to be another asshole. Fair enough?

I’ve been playing some old school Mario Kart 64 with my buddy recently. He’s not much of a gamer, but his girlfriend can drive her some Peach. I haven’t played this game in two console generations, but it is still incredibly fun. And the best part about it is getting passed by Toad. His “Ya-Hoo!” when he passes me and his inevitable “AHHhhhh….” when I run him down with star power make me laugh every time. My buddy, his girl , and I have had enough to drink, and you can hear us all trying to imitate our driver and Toad. Toad’s voice is just too funny.

Now, I know I’m trying to NOT be an asshole here, but I do love me some family fun-oriented gory violence. Chainsawing a locust in Gears of War always brought a special satisfaction. Primarily, because I played it on my roommate’s 360, and never really mastered using the chainsaw. I only got it to work when I got pissed off and charged the MF’ers… and then just happened to saw the hell out of them. Oh yeah, the curb-stomp felt nice, too. Real nice.

The taunts and screams from the Grunts in Halo:CE are one of my fondest memories. They sounded like English-speaking Ewoks, and it just made me wanna put a bullet through their heads so bad. Bungie has some brilliant people working for them, because even though the Grunts would run terrified, their triumphant glee over being lucky enough to kill you was even more frustrating than the joy of killing them dead, which then compounded the joy of killing them again after a respawn. The feeling just got better and better.

And let me throw out an honorable mention to the marines in Halo, too. After clearing an area, if you had any marines left, they would say the funniest stuff. Especially if you stood too close for their comfort. I’m pretty sure one or two of them told me in so many words, “I don’t swing that way.”

Finally, I don’t know how many times I quote these guys in a given day, but I love NPC dialogue in Fable. From getting a girl to sing-song “fair enough!” to, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t get it.” I don’t know why I remember all those useless lines, but they still make me smile to this day.

Feel free to share your own. Let’s have a great big gamer hug. Ahhh.