Games with the Most Ridiculous Weapons

One of the greatest joys in gaming is not defeating, but embarrassing your enemies. This can be done in all sorts of ways: taunting, toying with them, or simply destroying them with skill. An alternative way to bolster your burn points? Use absurd tools or weapons to achieve victory.

Soul Calibur’s Joke weapons: I embarrassed a fellow intern here at GotGame in Soul Calibur with Setsuka (who uses a sword hidden in an umbrella) a while back. After some repeated thrashings, she is rumored to have tearfully said “Curse the man who invented umbrellas!” Mission accomplished. Though Setsuka’s umbrella is a standard (and most definitely ridiculous), all characters have their own sets of joke weapons that make silly noises upon hitting your opponent. Highlights include: giant squid, basket+baguette, ladle+pot lid and a paintbrush. My favorite: Ivy’s whip sword turned Chain Link Sausage. Tasty.

Power Stone 2: I’ve always been a bigger fan of the Power Stone series than the Smash Brothers series as a party fighter. This mostly has to do with two things: actual life bars and fun weapons. One of my favorites is the frozen tuna. It is one of the stronger weapons in the game with the added bonus of humiliation by fish slap. The piece de résistance is definitely the tennis racket. Not so much because of its nature as a weapon, but because if you nail your opponent with one of these, they will go bouncing off a minimum of 3 walls. On occasion, I will simply walk away from the game after nailing someone with a smash. Both my opponent and I know that the outcome of the match is irrelevant, there’s no coming back from that degradation.

Zombies Ate My Neighbors: A cult classic. To fight the hyper-conventional movie monster enemies, players must use unconventional household items. Squirt Guns, tomatoes, weed whackers, silverware, dishes, soda cans, fire extinguishers, Popsicles. What makes it even better is that they have varying degrees of effectiveness against your neighbor-eating corpse-enemies. Weed whackers cuts down killer plants, silverware makes quick work of werewolves, Popsicles are effective against flaming killer Chucky dolls. And really. Death by tomato? Disgraceful.

Guilty Gear Series: Plenty of nominees in this list. Faust uses a 6-foot long scalpel. Venom fights using a pool cue and billiard balls. But the most silly award definitely goes to May, the little girl pirate who fights with an anchor and her seafaring friends. May has a whole set of special moves involving dolphins. She can make hoops appear and have the dolphins jump out of a mysterious unseen body of water and nail anyone in the way. She can even ride them (maximum humiliation)! My favorite is definitely the huge pink whale that comes out of nowhere to smash your face in. Humiliating and effective. It comes out fast. Real fast. Faster than you would think a giant whale could move.

Super Mario RPG: Sure, I might be biased because it’s one of my favorite games ever. But I loved how it took pieces of the classic Mario universe and made them into neat RPG weapons. Mario’s best? The huge Lazy Shell that might’ve been obtained from a extra large Heavy Koopa Troopa. Who doesn’t like fat versions of things? . Although feminists might take issue with Peach’s arsenal, her Slap Glove and Frying Pan are demeaning to her foes as well. The gold star goes to Bowser’s Hurly Gloves. Equipping them causes Bowser to chuck Mario unceremoniously at baddies. He’ll throw only Mario and if Mario isn’t in the party, he will toss a life-like fascimile. Talk about a deep-seeded resentment.