Gamer Masterpiece Theater

Like any new form of artistic expression, video games have faced an uphill battle in gaining legitimacy as a story-telling medium. (This may have something to do with the fact most of the best selling games out there have more freakin’ sweet guns than emotionally compelling characters.)

Well, all of that’s about to change. Below is a video-game-themed play I’ve written, a potent treatise on the woeful human condition. Savvy gamers will notice each line of the play is quoted directly from a video game.

Also, some dude gets bitten in the face.

THE GIFT: A FARCE IN ONE ACT

The Players

• The Merchant: A peddler of sundry and exotic goods
• Rupert: A total asshat
• The Snake: Venomous reptilian predator possessed of a “bitey” disposition
• Lyle: Rupert’s friend, a man deathly afraid of serpents
• The Good Doctor: An affable physician making her weekly rounds about the community

(The scene opens with Merchant and Rupert sitting at a table. Merchant clutches a small, nondescript cage.)

Merchant: Stay a while, and listen.

Rupert: What are ya sellin’?

Merchant: Snake.

Rupert: Snake?

(Merchant opens the cage and produces a wriggling coral snake.)

Merchant: It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this!

Rupert: I’ll buy it at a high price!

(Enter Lyle. Lyle waves at Merchant and Rupert. Rupert conceals The Snake in his hands.)

Lyle: Hi-ii-iii!

Rupert: Get over here!

(Lyle walks over to the table, but remains standing.)

Lyle: How are you, gentlemen?

Rupert: Sit, would you kindly?

Lyle: …

Rupert: Sit your ass down in that chair and drink your goddamn TEA!

(Lyle sits and sips his tea. After a moment, he shoots Rupert a dirty look.)

Lyle: Do you know what it says in your personal file? Unlikeable. Liked by no one. Very formal. Very official.

Rupert: Got a present for ya…

Rupert tosses The Snake at Lyle.

Lyle: Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!

Rupert: Side effects may include: dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, water retention, painful rectal itch, hallucination, dementia, psychosis, coma, death, and halitosis.

(Lyle jumps to his feet and runs about in a crazed fashion.)

Lyle: Get it off me! Get it offfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Merchant: (Inexplicable echo) HOLY SHIT!!!

Rupert: You were doomed as soon as you lost the ability to love.

Lyle: Mrglmrglmrglmrgl!

Rupert: Please, could you speak more….normally?

Merchant: Somebody better call the doctor!!

(The Good Doctor enters. Merchant looks down at his cellphone — which he has yet to dial — with a dumbfounded expression.)

The Good Doctor: Need medical attention?

(The Good Doctor gives Lyle a shot of morphine directly to the heart. Lyle smiles widely, seemingly oblivious to the writhing snake still fang-deep in his face.)

Lyle: Hey, dudes… thanks for rescuing me! Let’s go for a burger!

FIN

For those of you playing the home game (and those of you who were able to make it all the way through that atrocity), here’s a list of where each line comes from.

Enjoy!