Fuck, Marry, Kill: The Trusty Sidekick Edition

Saving the world and thwarting the malicious plans of evil organizations is tough work even for video game heroes. And while characters like Master Chief get all the glory, their trusty partners are often behind the scenes pulling all the strings unnoticed.

Without their directions, these main heroes would have become hopelessly lost. In addition, many gamers would’ve slowly gone insane without these vital instructions. So this is for all those unsung sidekicks out there, this is another hormone driven Fuck-Marry-Kill: The Trusty Sidekick Edition!

If this does not offer the acknowledgment they deserve, then I’m not sure what will.

Fuck - Alice Murray, Army of Two

Where would Rios and Salem be without Alice? Probably in caskets.

Regardless, guiding you through treacherous territory is her job, and she is damn good at it. Through an assortment of hi-tech satellite imagery and tracking devices, she is able to know where you and your enemies are at all times.

However, life as a mercenary makes it difficult for anyone to become emotionally attached to anything. Any sort of relationship is out of the question, and to be honest, can you trust someone who’s loyalties lie with the highest bidder? While on duty she expects the highest level of professionalism from herself and those around her.

With looks like that though, anyone with testosterone in their body can easily abandon logic and reason for lust. And after saving her life from conspirators and terrorists, a personal favor should not be out of the question.

Marry - Cortana, Halo

She will follow you through the depths of hell and to the far reaches of uncharted space. When you’re stuck and your GPS is out of batteries, she’ll be there to give great advice and directions that will lead you to your goals.

Of course though, just like any female, she makes you do all the heavy lifting, which also includes killing armies of aliens and zombies. Despite this shortcoming, she’ll stick with you through thick, and in the end, isn’t that what marriage is all about?

As evidenced from above, no marriage is perfect and there are some obvious physical obstacles.

First of all, she is essentially a hologram that is built in the image of what an advanced AI system with a female personality supposedly look likes. But if playing WoW has taught me anything, it’s that anyone that says they’re a girl is actually (and not surprisingly) just a guy in real life (GIRL).

Furthermore, any physical relationship, no matter which way you try and spin it, can be reduced to some glorified form of cyber or phone sex. Not cool.

Nevertheless, you won’t run into many people that are as trustworthy or reliable as Cortana, and overcoming these physical difficulties will, in the end, result in a much more enriched marriage.

Kill - Meryl, Metal Gear Solid

Life as a super secret agent can be difficult - physically and emotionally. So as age slowly turns his hairs gray, a change in scenery is all that Snake wants.