Fuck, Marry, Kill - The Format Edition

When HD-DVD took a nosedive into obscurity, the Internet was ripe with statements like “The format war is over,” “All hail Blu-Ray,” or my personal favorite, “Click here for boobies!” But even though Blu-Ray won the battle, the war continues to rage—DVDs continue to outsell Blu-Ray discs by a respectable margin, and digital distribution is becoming increasingly commonplace for both movies and video games (despite what GameStop wants you to think). With a battle this intense, there must be a way to figure out which one is right for you, right?

Oh yeah, there is: turn them into sexual objects! Welcome to FMK - The Format Edition.

Today, I will be labeling the three prevailing formats as three different types of women and what I would like to do to each of them. Anyone who’s been in a school locker room knows the drill (if not, check the other two entries in our unstoppable series for a catch-up).

There’s only one catch: no one can make any (completely unfounded) comments about a certain part of my body fitting into the hole in the middle of a DVD. Let’s be mature, people.

Now, without further ado, let the fucking/marrying/killing commence!

• Fuck: Digital Distribution (a.k.a. – The Hot New Girl)

There’s a hot new girl in town, and I don’t even have to leave my living room to get a taste of her—a few clicks of a mouse or controller, and everything this baby has to offer is right in front of me. On top of that, the quality of the picture and speed DD supplies is getting better all the time, and I suspect streaming movies will reach Blu-Ray quality before long. But it’s also the nature of the medium that keeps this relationship in fuck-buddy territory instead of a full-blown love-in: to have a stable relationship, I need something I can put my hands on.

See, I know exactly how unreliable download services, Internet connection speeds, and well-loved hard drives can be at times, and nothing turns on the metaphorical cold shower like booting up your computer or game system to find that entertainment simply can’t be had when you’re in the mood—a problem that doesn’t exist with physical media. So DD, look me up when you’re in town if you want a good time, just don’t expect me to take you home to meet my parents—hell, they wouldn’t know how to use you, anyway.

• Marry: DVD (a.k.a. – The Cute, Reliable Girl Next Door)

DVD and I have been having a love affair for quite some time now. I’ve been there for her highs (the Lord of the Rings extended cuts) and her lows (why do you look like crap, The Dark Knight?!), and still we’re together. Plus, now that blank DVDs are getting even cheaper thanks to Blu-Ray’s emergence, I can add my own additions to my DVD family for a couple of cents apiece. Sure, there are some prettier girls out there now, and you’ve lost some of your luster with age, but there’s just nothing like having the millions of movie personalities that can be found on DVD. Plus, you’re cheap, just the way I like it.

So DVD, I think it’s time you and I settled down, sealing our love for each other with another viewing of Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

• Kill: Blu-Ray (a.k.a. – The Undeniably Sexy Yet Uncommitted Bitch)

I absolutely love those sexy Blu-Ray discs. They can produce some of the most beautiful digital images I have ever seen; anyone who says that upconverted DVD’s look just as good is either lying or inexperienced (my god, have you seen Wall-E on Blu-Ray?!). And what could possibly be wrong with a name that so easily be placed in dirty jokes?

Example: “Who Blu-Ray? His girlfriend wants to know…”

“But Jordan, you voluptuous stallion,” you ask, “if this format is so great, why would you want it to go the way of Art Garfunkel’s career?” Because if Blu-Ray were a woman, it would be that needy bitch girlfriend that uses you for your money, then unceremoniously dumps you despite how much you love them.

Think about it: the needy bitch girlfriend makes you spend hundreds of dollars to appease her desires, often on things she really doesn’t need; Blu-Ray, in comparison, wants you to re-buy every DVD you’ve ever owned—do you really need a hi-def copy of Teen Wolf Too? And these things aren’t cheap, people, typically running at least an additional $10 over DVD (and let’s not forget that the cheapest Blu-Ray players—the “dirty skanks” of the Blu-Ray community—still clock in at just under $200).

Yet the most important detail about Blu-Ray is that, no matter how much time and cash you sink into her, she’ll be long gone by the time you’re ready for a long-term commitment. With widespread digital distribution just around the corner, Blu-Ray will soon sink into obscurity as an overpriced in-between format, a pit stop before the real format evolution occurs (has anyone seen my Laserdisc player around here?). Sure, I believe there will always be a demand for tangible media formats, but I think Blu-Ry will more-or-less skip town long before it makes any significant splash in the consumers’ collective consciousness—unless that splash is the same feeling of resentment we all feel after being dumped, of course.