Fuck, Marry, Kill: Street Fighter IV Edition

Street Fighter IV is this month’s hot new release, with fans young and old jumping on board to test their mettle. This revival is not only drawing in new blood to the mix, but bringing seasoned pros out of retirement!

And what fighting game would be complete without its eye candy? These world warriors are as sexy as ever, but how do they rank as a date? For this occasion, we present Fuck, Marry, Kill: Street Fighter IV Edition!

Fuck – C. Viper

Hellooooo, new hotness! Crimson Viper makes her debut with Street Fighter IV, giving a fresh face to Street Fighter’s feminine side. Her classy attire and flashy moves are an amalgam of all the traits I love from the King of Fighters gals, now available in a Capcom game! I may forgive the silly giant braid, if only she would ditch the ridiculous pompadour…

C. Viper earns the “Fuck” ranking for more than just being the newest flavor of Street Fighter eye candy. She has a spicy style and attitude that gives the impression that after one weekend at her mercy, you’d be walking bow-legged for a week. Tough as nails, C. Viper can give as hard as she takes.

Her alternate costume revealing her midriff of “dayum” doesn’t hurt either. RAR!

Marry – Cammy

Cammy will probably always be my #1 girl from Street Fighter. She’s the only “New Challenger” from Super Street Fighter II to develop a strong fanbase, though she’s been underappreciated in the games. It took an online poll to get Capcom to finally include her in SF4!

I’d choose to walk down the aisle with Cammy because of her strong heart. Even after breaking from her Shadaloo mind control, she’s proven that she’s a loyal, dependable woman. She can be pretty intense when on the job (which I respect), but she also has a playful side. I could find a true friend in her, knowing that she’s always got my back.

Consummating the marriage would , of course, have its perks. She has the most perfect ass (as video game characters go) and isn’t shy about showing it off. Her extreme agility and stamina gets the adrenaline pumping just thinking about, and her goal-oriented training would insure that she does everything she has to until she reaches her objective. And who doesn’t wish to fall victim to her Frankensteiner?

Kill – Sakura

It’s hard to develop any affection for Sakura because she hasn’t aged a day between Street Fighter Alpha 2 and Street Fighter IV. She’s still the spunky little firecracker trying her darnedest to follow in Ryu’s footsteps. At best, she’s that annoying kid sister that just won’t get out of the way.

But what signs Sakura’s death warrant is not her eternal youth, but the consequences of her design. Since Capcom opted not to develop Sakura further (in this case, I mean physically), we’re forced to continue enduring her lolicon fan following. The school girl uniform, panty shots, her klutzy moé… Not even her alternative costume—which, if not for the PE uniform underneath, would barely cover her—is much help. Street Fighter III’s Makoto comes closest to what Sakura should have grown up to become.

For the good of the fandom, Sakura must be sacrificed; Pedo Bear be damned.