Fuck-Marry-Kill: Robot Punch Edition

Whether you grew up on Voltron, Robotech, or even Power Rangers, it’s been every kid’s dream to pilot a giant robot. The roar of massive power turbines, altering the landscape with every step, grappling alien beasts like the titans of ancient Greece… A non-stop adrenaline rush!

In this week’s Robot Punch! we take a look at a couple of the hottest giant robots from the world of anime. And of course, one that’s not so hot. It’s Fuck-Marry-Kill: Robot Punch Edition!

Fuck - Gurren Lagann

Ooh, baby! This is one sweet ride! Powered by spiral energy, there’s nothing these robots can’t do. And if the fight’s looking extra tough, that’s okay—just get a bigger robot! Gurren Lagann works like a Russian egg doll, starting with a robot the size of a Smart Car building up to one capable of wielding full galaxies as frisbees.

The very design of Gurren Lagann is saturated with sexual subtext. Its primary form of weaponry is made up of Freudian drills, which it uses to penetrate into the core of its foes. The ignition key used to power up the base robot, Lagann, is a small drill that is thrust into the main control panel. Similarly, the “spiral energy” that’s associated with the drill shapes is also a metaphor for the spiraling helix of a DNA strand.

Gurren Lagann’s great for a summer fling, but just too ridiculous for the life-long haul.

Marry - The Big O

Showtime!

Piston Punch...to the FACE.

The Big O is a robot I could cast in the name of God guilt-free; even when I’m old and grey. No matter where I may be, if trouble goes down, all I’d have to do cry the summoning call into my watch. Without fail, The Big O would faithfully bust out through the ground, ready for action.

The beauty in The Big O is in its simplicity–it’s a giant robot that punches things. Better still, the Piston Punch adds insult to injury…as well more injury. It’s built like a tank and if it gets busted up, well… That’s what butlers are for.

Kill - EVA 01

Deliver us from EVA.

Lemme get this straight: We have a super-powered giant robot…with an umbilical power cord? A power cord that could tangle the robot, limits its range, and provides the enemy a big Achilles heal to attack? Thumbs up, NERV!

I’m sorry to spoil the ending for those who’ve never seen this show, but I’d like to apply a statute of limitations, since everyone’s had over 12 years to have seen Neon Genesis Evanglion in some form. That said, I must address the greatest of EVA 01’s crimes: It’s not really a robot.

That’s right; it’s a clone of an angel given cybernetic armor and imbued with the soul of Shinji’s dead mother. There’s nothing more classic in anime than the invasion of a gigantic space monster rampaging through the metropolis with a formidable robot (and a pilot with guts) being mankind’s only line of defense. In Evangelion, we’re given a giant space Grape Ape with a callow little runt whining about his daddy.

Of course anime has a 50 year history of giant robots and everyone has their favorites. How do yours rank against the ones described here? Post a comment with your best contenders…