Fuck, Marry, Kill: Final Fantasy X Edition

Sony and Square Enix are both highly respected companies held in the utmost respect. Their reputation is matched by few and if this year’s E3 has shown us anything, it’s that they’re both ready to make a big splash in 2009.

With the recent announcement of Final Fantasy XIII AND Final Fantasy XIV, what better time than now to drag these esteemed companies and their prized franchise to the despicable depths of debauchery and corruption that we call entertainment?

So, here it is, Fuck-Marry-Kill: Final Fantasy X Edition!

Fuck - Rikku

Look at that picture. How old does she look? Well apparently she is 15. There is no way in hell she is fifteen. Besides, it’s been well over 3 years since the release of the game, so she should be of legal age by now. The rules in Spira might have been different anyways! Please, do not judge me.

Anyways, now that I got all the legal logic and personal justification out of the way, time to get on with the reasons.

Just out of the pure biological drive for evolution, Rikku is easily the best looking female in the game. Her golden locks and her swirly green eyes will cause blood to rush from any guy’s brain to… well, you know. Please consult doctor if erection lasts for over 4 hours by the way.

While her looks are great, her personality, however, will drive you nuts. The spunk, the juvenile problems, the spunk… oh God, she will have you contemplating suicide in a matter of days. Hit it and quit it, otherwise you’ll regret it.

Marry - Lulu

There was no easy answer to this because neither of the females in this game are of marriage material, at least in my own personal opinion. Unfortunately an answer must be given, so taking all factors into account this is just a case of being the lesser of three evils.

Physically, Lulu has that kinky goth look going on with some huge knockers to boot. Furthermore, she likes to play with dolls. This just may make marriage life in the bed exciting for a long time. Experimentation for the win.

Mentally, her personality is great for marriage. She will likely not care or pay all that much attention to you; thus, resulting in a lot of free time. Barbecue with some friends? No problem! Football game with some friends? No problem! Drinking and strip club with some friends? No problem!

The lesser the contact, the lesser the drama, the happier and longer the marriage will be.

Kill - Yuna

Don’t let her wholesome girl-next-door looks fool you. This girl is high maintenance and is not worth either procreating with or having a relationship with, and if you can’t do either, she might as well die.

First of all, she burdens you with all her petty personal problems - expected of any female. But then she literally burdens you with the weight of the world by dragging you along her quest so save Spira from Sin.

This results in risking your life to journey with her around the world, risking your life to save her from dangerous situations, risking your life battling deadly and influential religious organizations, and risking your life and time getting dragged into annoying random battles. To top it all off, you later find out she has to sacrifice you in order to defeat Sin. Thankfully for you, a new way to defeat Sin was discovered before her blood lust became uncontrollable.

Be right back — etching her name on a tombstone.

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Personal tastes differ from person to person, and some of you may agree or disagree with me. So, go ahead and post your own thoughts and list with reasons. If you don’t contest me now, these words may forever float around the Internet unchallenged.

A tragic thought, I know.