Fuck Marry Kill #2 - Chrono Trigger Edition
- F - Ayla. What can I say? I’ve got a thing for girls who could shatter my skull with their bare hands. Ayla’s animalistic nature makes her easily the most sensual of the three females on this list, despite the fact that you may or may not survive the experience. Plus, she clearly likes to have a good time, as evidenced by her penchant for parties and excessive drinking. And I can say with some confidence that I could kick Kino’s ass. So, so whiny.
- M - Marle. This shouldn’t be too much of a surprise. Marle is clearly the “catch” of Chrono Trigger, a cute, sweet, fun-loving girl who just happens to live in a castle and is wealthy beyond all reason. All you really have to do is make sure that the king’s advisors haven’t been replaced by maniacal monsters whose only means of foiling you is to stage and fix an elaborate court case. How bored are these damn monsters?
- K - Lucca. Poor Lucca. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a ton against this four-eyed female, she just doesn’t really stand a chance in this field of competition. Sure, it’d be pretty sweet to have a girlfriend who could build you robots and teleportation devices, but I can’t even change my own oil. Talk about a lack of meaningful conversation. The moment she started blabbing on about quantum equations and gyroscopic thing-a-ma-jigs, I’d be reaching for that gun of hers.
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Tags: chrono trigger, FMK
I wouldn’t write off Lucca too readily, Josh. Think of all the bedroom gadgetry she already has the mental schematics for. And Ayla, despite her busty cavewoman beauty and being moderately ahead of her “time,” would likely clobber you in the head after your one-night coitus and drag you back to her hut as a lifelong mate. Whereas Lucca, a modern 1000 AD woman, wouldn’t want to be tied down and distracted from her inventions, leaving only enough time for late night booty calls.
Personally…
F–Magus. He’s an all-powerful warlock who can get your fire going (literally). The mostly-evil long, grayish white hair also has some undeniable pull. Plus, he probably has some freaky-deaky tendencies, judging by his entourage.
M–Frog. A gallant knight who lives only to serve those he is dedicated to? Obviously the man (somewhat) to marry. Though it probably wouldn’t be too hard to convince Magus to free Glen from the froggy form in mid-bonk.
K–Crono. A tough decision, but I feel like Crono’s incessant silence indicates deep trouble no one will ever be able to solve completely. If I didn’t knock him off, he’d probably end up dead soon enough anyway–whether from an overdose of some sort or maybe a massive game spoiler.
First of all, 1000 AD-era bedroom gadgetry equals steam and gears. Gears that pinch. I’m just saying.
Second of all, Magus? While an undeniable badass, sure, he was incredibly emo as a child. And don’t think for a second that that weirdo Ozzie wouldn’t be spying on your whole sordid evening.
Besides, I feel that the real answer to my quandry is some sort of double- or triple-tech scenario.
No love for Gato?
They call me Gato, I have metal joints. F#@k the s#!t out of me, and earn 15 silver points!
Talk about a sex machine…
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Considering that she can crush rocks with her hands, I just get this really uncomfortable “Death by snoo-snoo!” vibe from Ayla, which compels me to juggle the list around a bit.
Gah, I’m officially kicking myself for not making a Snoo-Snoo reference now. “How did they die?”
“Crushed pelvises!”
Thanks, Rocco. If you need me, I’ll be in the corner in the fetal position, whipping myself for my failures.
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