Fuck Marry Kill #2 - Chrono Trigger Edition

Welcome, friends, to the second installment in GotGame’s newest (see also: only) recurring editorial segment, Fuck Marry Kill (or FMK for short or if your boss is looking)! Chris got the ball rolling so well a few weeks ago with his…interesting…three choices that we decided, hey! There’s a lot of tough FMK choices to be had in the world of gaming! We would be doing our readership a disservice not to explore them with all of our available resources, in a manner that in no way indicates a level of romantic frustration and/or sexual desperation. I mean, c’mon, the sexually frustrated gamer stereotype? That is soooo cliché-yet-still-often-quite-relevant.

At any rate, today I’ll be navigating the treacherous FMK slopes of one of my most beloved games of all time, Chrono Trigger. As a strapping young fifth-grader when it was originally released in 1995, I’d be lying if I said that some of these appraisals of CT’s females aren’t old hat for me by now. But by “old hat,” I don’t mean to imply that I live in my parents’ basement surrounded by candle-lit posters and life-sized recreations of Marle, Lucca, and Ayla. But just FYI, their basement is totally nicer than you would think.

(Note: I really, really hope you’re not online reading gaming websites if you’ve never actually played Chrono Trigger before. There may or may not be what some consider “spoilers” in this article, and quite frankly, even if there are, I feel morally obligated to show up at your house and slap you around with a copy of the story if you don’t know anything about this game.)

• Marle – Ah yes, our quintessential damsel-in-distress that starts our whole time-traveling adventure off in the first place! After Crono drags his lazy ass out of bed to head to the Millennial Fair at the start of CT, he eventually (and quite literally) bumps into a cute blonde named “Marle” (assuming, of course, that you keep the default names, otherwise her name might by “Skankazz” or something). She wastes little-to-no time becoming high-maintenance, first by dragging Crono around the fair and eventually disappearing into a malfunctioning time-vortex (if I had a nickel). Marle (née Princess Nadia) presents some interesting dilemmas for the discerning FMKer. She’s clearly attractive, has a lot of spark and personality, she’s an effing princess, but there are some cons there too. She’s impulsive to a fault (time vortex), high-maintenance (time vortex), and of course, even good-intentioned young men seeking to woo her eventually end up in court and subsequently on death row. So there’s that.



• Lucca – The nerdy best friend! Now, I’m not sure that way back in 1995 that the “hot nerdy girl” thing was really around, which may have been partially responsible for Lucca being somewhat ostracized by…well…me. Seemingly Crono’s only friend when this adventure begins, Lucca is the engineering genius, responsible for, among other things, the teleportation device that goes haywire and sends our adventurers hurtling through time. She’s also the one who fixes Robo later on, which is definitely in the “pro” column because Robo is an unadulterated badass. Unfortunately for Lucca, she definitely seems to be more of the “clutz” type of nerd than the “hot librarian” type of nerd. Although she does run around with guns and plays with fire, which is admittedly pretty sweet.



• Ayla – The savage cavewoman! Ayla really only has one purpose: to kick ass. Sure, there’s something about her being a tribal leader, and apparently the sugar mama to that little bitch Kino, but at the end of the day, this prehistoric powerhouse lays the hurt on anyone dumb enough to stand in her way. She’s definitely a smart cookie for her time, unfortunately the “time” in question is before words existed, so if you’re looking for long, late-night talks, Ayla might not be the lady for you. The icing on the cake? Our cavewoman is a partier! One of the first tasks she gives Crono to gain her trust is to get wasted with her at some Mesozoic mixer, confirming that next-day hangovers and lost keys are literally as old as the dinosaurs.

Drumroll please…

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