5 Things You Can Do with Video Games That You Can’t Do with a Girlfriend

Ever notice how gaming can come in between relationships? Well I say, “Girlfriends, pshaw, who needs them when you’ve got video games to play?” And just to make this more compelling, I am going to be addressing “video games” as “her” so we can really see how close we can be with our games.

1. You can get undressed or remain completely naked in front of her all day without her coming up with belittling nicknames for your Twinkie. Like “Twinkie.” A lot of guys are self-conscious around their girlfriends. Usually, over time, this starts to fade, but with her, you’ll never even have to worry about it.

2. You can be creative and artsy by putting stickers on, or even painting or coloring her if you’re really feeling wild. Lots of girls don’t want their boyfriends to even give them suggestions about what kind of things they should be putting on their bodies. Well, you won’t have to worry about a little thing like feminism stopping you from taking complete dominance over the appearance of her.

3. You can sing and even dance to your iPod without hearing her sarcastically say, “Wow, you’re so good you should try out for American Idol.” Even if your voice is so bad it kills kittens, she’ll never criticize you. She’ll never criticize you about anything, even. You can sing, dance, burp, sneeze and fart at the same time, and get away with it in her company. You could even bring her with you while you’re indisposed in the bathroom. I’d like to see a girlfriend be able to do that!

4. You can eat nothing but cereal and cookies in front of her and she won’t stand up and act like a big fat guy in order to mock you. And even if she somehow did act like a big fat guy in order to mock me, I’d be so dumbfounded and amazed that I wouldn’t even care.

5. If something happens to separate you two, you can just go out and buy another. Even though a very similar situation can happen with a girlfriend, with video games, you’ll never have to get over the heartbreak that comes with it—you’d never be at blame for the break-up. And even if you were, like if you smashed her with a shoe out of frustration, there are millions of her out there, all built exactly the same, making it easy to replace her.

There are plenty of reasons not to worry about not having a girlfriend—as long as no one makes a list discussing the things you can do with a girlfriend, but not with a video game system. Legally.