First-Person Shooters: Preparing You for an Alien Invasion!

Gamers have long attempted to validate the numerous wasted hours glued to their screens. Several arguments, such as improved hand/eye coordination, memory, and problem-solving skills, have held their ground. However, an emerging argument, which seemingly trumps all others, has found such a solid foothold that retort seems impossible: “Video games could save my life.”

You may have heard stories of how driving sims have aided in avoiding potentially lethal accidents (Probable). How MMORPGs could aid you in the event of a rampaging moose attack (Unlikely). But what genre of gameplay would we turn to in the event of, oh say…an alien invasion (Impossible)? An easy answer: the first-person shooter.

I’m sure it will be argued that real-time strategy games would be the choice source. But let’s face it; when the Chimera or Covenant or those hentai-inspired aliens from Independence Day do attack, you won’t have an entire army at your disposal trying to defeat the invasion. It’ll be you, and hopefully a few of your friends, simply trying to survive. And if you’re really lucky, there will be a sporting goods store just down the street. The only thing left is to apply what first-person shooters have taught you:

- Know your cover!
When the shooting starts, seeking cover becomes instinctual. Just be aware of what you’re ducking behind. Every shooter has “good cover” and “bad cover,” so take heed. If you’ve ducked behind a concrete wall, pat yourself on the back; that’s good cover. But if it’s a stack of boxes marked “TNT,” then maybe you just deserve your explosive demise.

- Know your environment; then use it!
The aliens are new to Earth. Be friendly and show them where your neighbor’s gas barbecue grill is. Then blow it up. Aside from possibly taking out a few, the diversion will offer a chance to run. Or you could send a few rounds towards our would-be overlords.

- A moving target is a hard target!
There is the possibility you may find yourself without adequate cover. In which case, keep moving! Run, duck, zigzag; do anything to make yourself a difficult target, except jumping. Should you get hit mid-air, you’ll die flailing your arms to death, which is just embarrassing.

-Aim for the head!
Should you end up in a firefight, go for the guaranteed kill: the headshot. Sure, you can aim for the feet, but you’re not looking to ruin their tango. In fact, you may just piss them off even more. And no, shooting them in the crotch won’t do it, either. Well, unless that is where their brains are. They are aliens, after all…

-Scavenge the dead!
Once the firefight is over, search the bodies. Grenades, ammo, advanced plasma-based weaponry. Anything to help you make your way out of the city to a secluded cabin in the woods, where you could live out the rest of your days in discretion. But keep in mind; just because you find fifty guns, doesn’t mean you should carry fifty guns. Oh, and forget what you did in Bioshock; if you find food, you don’t have to eat it as soon as you find it.

Hopefully, with these tips and all the practice you’ve had playing first-person shooters, you too can survive the invading alien horde. Or zombie horde, or Nazi horde — whatever evil horde that may rise someday. Just remember one more thing: if you can’t reach something, get a boost from a friend or stack some boxes, because “grenade jumps” will never work. Ever.