Fighting the Force: Video Game Fame vs. Cosplay Shame

Fighting games are undoubtedly a dying breed. Sad as it may be, a lack of snazzy new innovations seem to have trapped this genre of video game into a punch, kick and jump style of play. That’s not to say some titles don’t still keep your adrenaline pumping via thumb-blistering combos, but the days of fighting games leading a console’s sales are pretty much past. So, what should we do? Pout and wallow with our cartridge classics or Soul Calibur collector’s items? No, we must brainstorm new ideas to present to game designers! And I think I have just the remedy…

For me, it comes down to a few things. I have to adore whom I choose to fight with, and I have to royally loathe the opposing fighter. The logical conclusion? Make half the characters ridiculously awesome and other half dreadfully irritating. My two choices: legendary video game characters and uber-nerds dressed in Star Wars costumes. Need a little help visualizing it all? Don’t sweat it, I’ve got you covered.

Fight #1 Solid Snake vs. Boba/Jango Fett

Like I said before, what makes this game idea so great is the satisfaction in kicking a douche bag’s ass. Now, let’s take into account what is awesome about this guy’s costume. His Fett-style helmet is legit, aside from the colors, but his lack of leg pads and businessman’s dress shoes aren’t really intimidating to anyone. He can only use his Duck Hunt pistols to obliterate his two-dimensional duck enemies, but not that annoying dog or Solid Snake. All Snake would have to do is flick his cigarette butt at this clown, and he’d be down for the count, which would then be followed by the dog mocking and laughing at him.

Fight #2 Master Chief vs. Death Star

It really sounds like an unfair fight, a moon-sized battleship versus a Spartan, but this is the man who single-handedly destroyed a Halo ring or two. Basically, an entire Death Star wouldn’t be a stretch. Plus, it’s not the real Death Star (okay, I don’t meanreal real). It’s just a guy dressed in a terribly constructed costume. Master Chief would annihilate this pathetic chump’s existence. This guy designed his costume with as much insight as the Imperials did the original, sure it looked intimidating (the one in the movie) but it has a huge weakness. Luke’s attempt to destroy the Death Star was at least a challenge; those proton torpedoes can be quite the bitch to fit into a core ventilation shaft. All Master Chief has to do is throw his shoe at this idiot. Better yet, he could just push him over and watch him struggle like a turtle.

Fight #3 Niko Bellic vs. Rancor Trainer

Probably the most even of the fights, these two could square off in the Rancor Pit… which would give the fatty a distinct advantage. Even though this shirtless wonder qualifies as one of the people I want to beat on, who can’t feel sorry for a man who lost his favorite pet? Niko could throw all the rocks he wanted at him and he still wouldn’t stand a chance. Plus, how can you lose with Styrofoam golf balls wrapped around your arms and the sleeve of a suede jacket on your head? I’ll give this one to the uber-fan, even if he looks like Donkey Lips.

Then after you fight through a variety of other match ups (I’m sure you could think of some good ones) you have to fight the final boss… The Hello Kitty Darth Vader. And there it is, the answer the world of fighting games has been waiting for. Sure, it’s not really plausible, but you can’t argue with how much you’d like to punch and kick these people into oblivion. And, yes, it is a joke… well, maybe only a half joke.