Extra Padding via Achievements

With the relatively recent advance of achievements; MMO achievements, FPS achievements, and the like, one’s mind might becomes alight with the real life applications. After all, thanks to achievements our long-time video game boasts can be confirmed; yes, I did crush M.Bison on the hardest mode without taking damage; yes, I did complete Halo 3 on Legendary mode with nothing but my melee attacks; stuff this good should go on my resume to prove I deserve the high paying job I’m applying for. Wait, what?

Sound ridiculous? Of course it is, but think about it. Now that we have achievements as proof of our legendary accomplishments, and now that there those that believe video games teach us to kill, why can’t it work the other way? With thousands of titles over the years, surely games have taught us something. Just look at all the complex resume padding skills I thought up with just a few of my own game experiences…

Team Fortress 2
• Experience in directing small groups of children in pursuit of a common objective.
• Demonstrated management of construction site personnel.

World of Warcraft
• Experience directing small groups of children in pursuit of a common objective.
• Served as an analyst specializing in the supply and demand of raw resources and the valuing and devaluing of the gold coin.
• Learned to recognize a variety of linguistic tendencies: attained fluency in l33tspeak, n00b, and ‘tard (Just play the game for 5 minutes and read Trade or Barrens chat, you’ll speak it in no time!).
• Demonstrated ability to craft 71-point plans for success.

Tomb Raider
• Demonstrated ability to navigate underground labyrinths amid adverse conditions and in spite of distractions.
• Displayed ability to react to a wide variety of unspecific and unpredictable challenges.

The Sims
• Demonstrated practical family planning.
• Practiced real-estate development skills.
• Utilized project development and layout skills.

Half-Life 2
• Demonstrated creative use of heavy equipment.
• Excellent warehouse management and stacking skills.
• Utilization of conveniently placed green boxes for speedy replenishment of company’s medicine supplies.
• Displayed ability to react to a wide variety of inspecific and unpredictable challenges.

Counter-Strike 1.5
• Experience directing small groups of children in pursuit of a common objective. (Here’s hoping employers won’t detect the trend.)

Metal Gear Solid
• Experience following through and deciphering obscure plots.
• Trained in improvising common household materials to accomplish a variety of goals.

Final Fantasy 7
• Utilized resource development skills, particularly in showing which material (The “l” is an example of a shrewdly placed typo; with luck they’ll never know) resources to develop and which to place on low priority.

Mechwarrior 3: Mercenaries
• Experience negotiating and selecting contracts.
• Resource acquisition: Knowing which resources to purchase and when.
  Penned the essay: “Water, good for more than drinking!”

Age of Empires
• Multi-tasking skills related to agricultural and militaristic management.
• Experience collecting proper resources to encourage research and development.

Time Crisis
• Demonstrated ability to work well with little time under pressure.
• Displayed accurate recognition of essential and non-essential company targets.

Kirby Super Star
• Trained to recognize and utilize an individual’s skills and traits.
• Selectively organized and scheduled company lunch breaks.

Mega Man 2
• Trained to see tasks as “Normal” and “Difficult” while excelling at both.
• Well practiced in conservation of vital resources.
• Demonstrated good judgment selecting which company challenges to attack first.

Resident Evil
• Displayed counseling and crisis management skills.
• Effectively utilized company office materials.

Gradius
• Proper time-management skills; demonstrated ability to slow down and think with perspective when work-related objects and tasks become too numerous.

Paperboy
• Intimate knowledge of the size, mass, and velocity of bundled materials thrown at 45 degree angles.

Far-fetched? Sure. But as no less a resume padding authority than Lisa Simpson once explained, “They expect you to lie a little.” And there’s bound to be plenty more where that came from. What video-game inspired resume padding skills can you come up with? Maybe we can use them to land jobs and get rich off one another… if nothing else, we’ll unlock a crapton of achievements.