Clerical Error: Could the Pope be the Next Big VG Villain?

Villains aren’t given enough credit these days. Let’s face it: they’re pretty much the reason why 99% of games out there exist. Being a protagonist is pointless without having antagonists; otherwise, we’d have games where hippies frolic about in green pastures hugging each other. Lame, right? Similarly, in the real world, the bad guys are the ones keeping newscasts attention-grabbing and bland magazines in business. Yes, they are huge inconveniences, but they give us something to talk about.

In Bionic Commando, worlds collided when real villains became Nintendo villains. Despite vain attempts at trying to hide the obvious, anyone with half a brain could figure out that the “Nazz” were Nazis and “Master-D”—a pseudonym better-suited for a rapper than a dictator—was clearly Adolf Hitler. (Why Nintendo tiptoed around Nazism but were okay with gory face-exploding is still beyond me, but I digress.) This made me wonder what other real-world “villains” could become video game characters, and my conclusion was, unlike Nazis, the least likely candidate would work best—namely, the Pope.

Whoa, now! Before any devout Catholics out there start sending me hate mail, hear me out on this one. The guy has a tremendous amount of power, and everyone knows that power corrupts. Besides, if you look back in history, popes haven’t had the most pristine track record. In fact, most were pretty reprehensible during the Middle Ages. Remember learning about the Crusades? Um, yeah. Their bad. Can’t really argue with the facts, folks.

Let’s take a look at our current contender, Pope Benedict XVI. His past is shady enough to raise suspicion. Once a Hitler Youth, he already has direct ties with our friend “Master-D” (who considered himself Roman Catholic too, might I add). He also recently decided to pimp out the Vatican with an “anti-terrorist squad,” and has gendarmes following him with SIG P75 pistols and Heckler-Koch sub-machine guns everywhere he goes. This, combined with his striking resemblance to Emperor Palpatine, makes him one frightening man.

The game I am proposing for Benny is a platformer called Clerical Error, and our hero is an altar boy with a chip on his shoulder from too many years of Catholic school and too many priests giving him “come hither” eyes. It is set in a not-too-distant future where the Pope has proven himself to be the Antichrist and teamed up with alien cohorts to take over the planet.

(Game cover by Kaylie McDougal)

A smorgasbord of henchman await our dashing young hero. His fellow schoolchildren turn against him, as blindly loyal as the Hitler Youth, and holy crap, are those schoolgirls vicious! Expect much bubblegum to the hair! All the while, gun-toting nuns, Bible-thumping Bible-thumpers, and old ladies with too many coins in their purse are still in denial and trying to put this boy in his place.

Throughout the game, he cavorts about old churches using his thurible as a whip, making the scenario vaguely reminiscent of Castlevania. Things get even spookier when demon priests are thrown into the mix, resurrected by the Pope himself. They occasionally possess televangelists during this adventure, making everyone in their near proximity lose 100 IQ points and turn into tongue-speaking zombies. To protect himself, our hero must steal earmuffs from his classmates and wear them to avoid their brainwashing drivel.

The altar boy eventually ends up in Rome, where he faces off with the “Soldiers of Christ” and crazies who believe they’ve seen Jesus in their toast. Once inside the Vatican, we bear witness to an “axis of evil” between the Pope, Satan himself, and extraterrestrial invaders. I’m thinking the Pope could actually be in a giant mecha contraption designed for him by the aliens, similar to what Dr. Wily has in his final battle with Mega Man.

Sure, the game seems ridiculous, but it makes you wonder: who are the real enemies? Is it really that preposterous that a highly influential, creepy-looking religious figure could be the bad guy? It’s happened before, and it could happen again. Clerical Error might be a joke, but I’m arming myself with a thurible just in case.