Candidates for Diablo III’s Upcoming “Hated” Class Changes

Jay Wilson, lead designer for Blizzard’s upcoming Diablo III, has recently revealed more details about the game and its yet to be released character classes in an interview at videogamer.com. He divulges some inside info about the game’s development process, the departure of its art director, and even tells us what he’s been playing as of late. The most juicy tidbit? His speculation that “when we announce the next class, which is quite similar to a previous class, then all those players will hate us too.” Curious as to what could be on the horizon, I’ve compiled a list of top candidates for the upcoming class announcement that would earn the ire of gamers.

Raiden Class:The twisted result of Hideo Kojima trying to make his Metal Gear Solid series have more appeal with female gamers, Raiden has long been lampooned for…not being Solid Snake. Also, he looks like a tool and doesn’t smoke. Still, in MGS4, he looked capable enough to battle demons. Skills include:

• Androgyny: His soft skin, long locks and lithe figure makes enemies question their sexuality. Their distracted demeanor effectively lowers their defense and allows the character to slice and dice more easily.
• Codec Call: Players can receive calls from their various in-game contacts. Who calls is completely random, with each caller having different effects on the player. A call from the Colonel will increase the character’s confidence, raising attack power. A call from Solid Snake will cause the character to form an inferiority complex, spurning him to whip out a huge sword to compensate. Be warned, a call from Rose causes both the player and character to be confused about their very existence, causing a system crash.

Hacker Class: Who doesn’t hate hackers? Diablo and Diablo II were filled with them. There are few things more frustrating than being destroyed in a duel against a dishonest player. While this class might not be hated by those who use it, it is sure to cause non-Hacker Classes to curse its existence.

• Loot Item: Similar to the Diablo II barbarian class skill that allowed you to get an item from a monster’s corpse. This skill will give you a chance to loot another player’s corpse. Expect this class to corpse hover more than Anna Nicole Smith.
• Dupe: This skill allows players to duplicate any item they hold. While seemingly unfair, the skill comes at a high cost. Any player who uses it goes straight to hell (and I’m not talking about Act IV).

George Bush Class: Though his reign is soon coming to an end, the President with a notoriously bad approval rating might be a good candidate for a hated class. Additionally, he shows resilience and a “never quit even though it’s probably a bad idea” attitude that Diablo players might connect with.

• WMD Bluff: The character class can incite all players surrounding him to blindly follow him into whichever dungeon he chooses regardless of danger or later-repercussions.
• Party Leader: This skill allows the Bush class to always be the party leader, regardless of the player’s competence or intelligence. As party leader, he can make choices like assigning other incompetents to be his subordinates and generally just piss off the entire game-world.

Fanboy class: My god, I loathe fanboys. Their constant bitching is the cause of much stress for internet users. However, their stubbornness and diligence are admirable traits that might make them worthy to take on Diablo and his minions.

• Infectious Jackassery: Calling upon the support and spirit of their peers, the Fanboy class can use their numbers to try to convince monsters through a petition to change their evil ways and stop terrorizing townspeople. Unfortunately, this skill has an incredibly low success rate. If it fails, monsters will simply respond with “Haha. No.” The shaming causes the character to sit down and cry about it.
• Instant Post: This skill allows players to quickly sign off and automatically post “Shit sucks” on numerous message boards at the first sign of something they deem as not satisfactory. While not effective in game, the self-righteousness that the player receives from complaining is highly valued to their kind.

Math Teacher Class: I can’t be the only one who despised these absolute failures. Usually smarmy and repulsive, I am hard pressed to find a single redeemable quality for any of my math teachers. That’s right, Mr. Douglas. I’m calling you out. That’s what you get for making me sit in the corner that one time I forgot to do my math homework. I cried that night. You heartless bastard.

• Air of Superiority: Despite his wearing Hawaiian t-shirts daily and having a hefty bald spot, the math teacher can give himself extra self-assurance since he knows what “real roots of the characteristic equation of a second order differential equation” are. It can give the character +1 to smugness or something.
• Destroy Sense of Self Worth: Since they’re such failures, Math teachers get their ya-yas by destroying egos. By mocking the monster incessantly for failing at dual-variable equations, it becomes sad and chooses to change its career path towards a more humanities-based concentration. Years later, when the monster has a worthless B.A. and is homeless, they are easy pickings.

In all seriousness, unless one of the above classes is chosen, I doubt that I will be bothered by any new class announcements. I was a necromancer player and his being replaced for this new Witch Doctor doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’m willing to give Blizzard the benefit of the doubt that the new classes will be fun, at least until I get to play it for myself. For more details, check out the Full interview.